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Harder than ever
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Date: 2008/05/14 23:04
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By: AnonymousActor
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Status:
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first off... no this has nothing to do with a phallic topic. But breakups/time aparts. Its already so late at night, and I dont know why i have this urge to just get this off my chest. But here I go.
I have been in a relationship for almost a year and a half. It was long distance, met online, met for a weekend about a month and a half ago. Prior the trip our relationship was amazing, steadfast strong, earth shattering, distance didnt affect it at all. Afte rthe trip... I started having doubts. Things werent as magical as I wanted, and then distance started to get to me. Anxiety... is it worth it. I love him but why am I feeling restless? Meeting him was an amazing experience, dont get me wrong... but I may have had it over hyped in my mind. I had moments where I didnt feel compatible as lovers. And my alarms went off, but then I over analyzed... and thats hwen things got back with me.
I am a free spirit and I needed my space and time, and I love him so much and he could feel me pulling away and I didnt want to hurt him and bring him through this. The difficulties between us began to get worse and it ended up with us ending it. He made the call but I edged us towards it. But, I regret it. It was something that shouldnt have happened (the breakup), but at the same time was needed.
Not that I fully believe in Astrology but heres the deal: Im aquarian and he's picses, and oddly enough Im the lofty free one, and hes the grounded grasping lover. This has never been truer. He's holding on tight, and I love that he is, im just hurting so much because I dont want to have to go through this, but all logic says I do.
I feel empty, llonely, and pointless. Everything I have done to have this support taken out from under me... just... hopeless feeling. Was it right? Was it wrong? I do not want to be a monster and I feel liek an ass for having to go through this and bring him through this. In the end its my ultimate love for him that has caused me the need for this time away. Because I want us to work out, I want us to be together for a very long time. But i need to work out some things in myself for us to succeed. Like i started dating him in the closet, I had never dated a boy in person ever , and Ive been needing to experience that and I am, without a doubt the villain here, but I have morals. I would never frolick aroudn if i were with him... and even with permission. Im monogamous and have strong loyalty. Im just hurtign so much right now. Im dazed and confused. My friends say its for the better, many think we'll get back together, many say the world is my oyster, explore it. Which i have always explored it, its my career to explore life and emotions. But I have had him by my side so I knew if I screwed up, failed, or was met with adversary, even though hes 1500 miles away... he was there for me. This is one hell of an exploration. I am proud to say we lasted as long as we did problem free with a distance of Toronto to Miami.
I just feel horrible for not giving back the abundance of love he gave me becaus eof my doubts that I wassnt getting what I needed from the relationship. I want back in. But i know if i rush back after its just ahppened, my sinking feelings that brought both of us to this moment will return.
I dont know if anyone can relate, if you can please reply here, or email me. I have many already telling me they can relate, but I just need mroe reassurance, this existence of mine is not in a papercup.
Breaking up / separating (even if temporary) hurts like nothing I have ever felt, especially because I still care so much for him. He's afraid of losing me by letting me go free, and I am afraid I will lose him. I love him, and he asks, if I truly lvoe him why do i need to be single? And it hurts me so much because... its such a confusing and complex emotion. I love him, but I do feel i need this to better me as a person in the long run. I have full confidence I will be with him again. Theres just so many things.
Breaking up is so much easier when you have somethign or someone to blame... in this case, there is nothing, well there is, but nothing one could resent. We broek up out of ultimate love for the other... something you love you set it free.
Hes been of teh first to understand this, and he said this to me that he knwo sh emust set me free to be happy and because he loves me so much he would, but when it happened, hes afraid of it, and I dont blame him so am I. He doesnt want to accept it, and neither do I now. Im just so confused, heartbroken, and just I feel kinda like icarus... I got too close to the sun and now my wings have melted and Im falling hard... just he used to be there to catch me, now I am relyign on my friends fam and art again, which is perfectly great, but its just not the same.
I am a strong individual. I know I can survive this. (the list of what I have survived is heartwrenching, this should be a walk in the park) Why must it hurt so much?
[Joe]
Yours dramatically in the Arts!
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