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So basically, this is my whole story
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Date: 2007/12/08 22:59
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By: RAWR! Im A Duck
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For ages people have been debating about whether or not being gay is biological or developed, I can honestly say I am living proof that it is biological.
I have a photographic memory, and of course, memories that are mine are the strongest ones, I can remember dreams I had when I was like 5
this is my story from purely school life
I can remember kindergarten looking at the boys, ok I know, that sounds ridiculous, but everyone notices people at that age.. ok so it wasn't a sexual attraction, but even the friendly attraction was just stronger for boys, not in the "girls have cooties so I'm only friends with boys" sort of way either.. I obviously can't explain these feelings but I hope you all understand.
as time went on, maybe third grade.. you know those things you say, whether you know what it means or not, like oh, they're cute, blah blah... I can remember thinking that about my male best friend. and in 4th grade being SO distraught, like emotionally drained and depressed when another one of my good friends "stole" my best friend in a sense.
In 5th grade constant thoughts ran through my mind of who I made friends with, I stuck with certain people because I thought they were cute.
I DID have crushes on girls, and I honestly don't know how to explain those feelings, I know they were forced, I'll get to that in a bit.
Once 6th grade came along, that's when I learned what gay was, that's when it was brought up in class once. I went to a Private Christian School, by the way. From that point on (early 6th grade) I HATED my thoughts, I forced myself to change, I would see cute boys on the TV or something and then yell at myself, and cry. I used to hit myself, literally punch myself in the head, hit myself anywhere. If I knew about cutting then, I honestly think I would have done it. I had bruises on my body from this self punishment, I cried myself to sleep almost every night for at least 3 months..
I forced myself to be straight, I remember choosing a girl that looked fairly pretty and literally deciding that I was going to like her. I was very secretive at first, then I told people, and finally building up the courage to "ask her out" it wasn't an exciting moment, it was painful because it wasn't something I wanted to do. When she rejected me.. it was TERRIBLE, I went into the bathroom and cried and cried because I was hoping that having a girlfriend would "cure" me
More ensued, oh also, I ate a lot starting in 6th grade, not enough to be obese, but I was hefty, and I never was very active..
so I went back to pleading to god every night to help me be happy, to help me feel him talking to me, I felt like I was being ignored because of my thoughts.
in 7th grade I "chose" another girl, and was SCARY obsessive.. I'm pretty sure she was afraid of me, but I wanted so badly to be normal! by mid 7th grade year all my guy friends basically got tired of me, and I became BEST friends with the cheerleaders. That year was so full of forced emotions and fast paced school life, it's nearly a blur, I'm not sure, I prolly had conversations with the cheerleaders about guys, like if they brought one up I'd say "yea, I guess if I had to say, he's kinda cute" (how many of us have done THAT haha)
8th grade.. I was popular! I don't know how it happened but everyone was friends with me.. I was happy all the time.. but I can honestly say I truly wasn't, ok yea, I just contradicted myself, but I was sort of dead my 8th grade year. Almost every emotion I had was pre-conceived the night before, like "this is how I'm gonna be happy tomorrow".. I really wanted out of that school
that summer was full of online chatting with guys, it was also a blur
I went to high school, an Arts High School, you know the stereotypes of Arts Schools? yea, they're true, almost everyone's at least bi
Still, 9th grade, I was brainwashed by my old school and myself, I wasn't gay, I wasn't gay, I'm not gay, I don't like guys, I like girls. I briefly chose a girl but gave up all together on liking anybody..
as the year went on and I found out EVERYONE well not everyone but just about, had at least experimented before (I had too, but I don't feel that's important to this story) I began to loosen up with accepting who I am. by 10th grade I was thinking I might be bi and decided I was bi by the time the end of 10th grade year came around. junior year was my ultimate year, oh and by the way, I was having crushes on guys too, but it wasn't really that emotionally painful so I'm not gonna dedicate a long paragraph to them. I finally realized I was gay my junior year, and ALL my friends knew..
and now we get to senior year.. Well, in the US we have a special day "National Coming Out Day" it's on October 11th, which also happens to be my birthday. I came out to my parents on my 18th birthday this year, and they're perfectly ok with it.
I even found my first boyfriend! I met him here! it was fun while it lasted, but oh well, life goes on ^.^
I hope I didn't bore you all, I have to admit I cried a lot while writing this, it took me a couple hours to complete, so I hope you at least glance at it
Post edited by: RAWR! Im A Duck, at: 2008/01/19 16:42
Scott Ducky
Security Manager
Operations Officer
Chatroom Moderator
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RAWR.mod@thegyc.com
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Re:So basically, this is my whole story
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Date: 2007/12/08 23:08
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By: Jaacson
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wow, that was soo good.
really moving, im glad ur fine with it now thou
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Re:So basically, this is my whole story
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Date: 2007/12/08 23:22
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By: Arctic
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Glad to know it all worked out for you in the end <3
Your story is pretty similar to mine, but im up to your 10th grade stage. Dont know how it will turn out.
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Re:So basically, this is my whole story
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Date: 2007/12/08 23:24
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By: xx334
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This is a amazing. I think that so many people can relate to your story. It helps to know that someone a little older has gone through similar times, and everything has ended well. I know that you're in a good place right now, and I'm happy for you. I only wish that you could have gotten to this state of comfort without such a trying journey. I wish you continued happiness...
and ur hot. haha, i couldn't help myself.
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Re:So basically, this is my whole story
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Date: 2007/12/09 00:20
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By: ~Fallen_Angel~
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yeah i think it would be a great movie....but thats just me...<.<...lol
anyways scott its really great! i mean wow....
yeah
bye ^.^
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Re:So basically, this is my whole story
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Date: 2007/12/09 12:15
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By: hasyune
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that was sweet  . id give it a 10 
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Re:So basically, this is my whole story
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Date: 2007/12/09 12:18
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By: the_tempest
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aww, sad but with a good ending 
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Re:So basically, this is my whole story
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Date: 2007/12/09 12:19
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By: Pandemonium
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That was a really sad yet beautiful story. The beginning about how you forced yourself to like girls really made me want to cry, Ducky (I'm not used to calling you by your first name!) I'm really glad you found someone, and glad you came out to your parents who are okay with you liking guys.
*hug*
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Re:So basically, this is my whole story
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Date: 2007/12/09 13:54
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By: smittylee0298
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Gah, I wish my story had been a little bit closer to yours. I had a nightmare scenario. It was horrible. I'll tell you about it sometime if you'd like.
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Re:So basically, this is my whole story
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Date: 2007/12/09 13:55
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By: devinious
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Hey man, I know what you went through.
My own experience wasn't that different...
But it's really amazing that everything turned out right.
Be strong, always!
-Be the change you want to see in the world-
Ghandi
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Re:So basically, this is my whole story
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Date: 2007/12/09 14:00
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By: PetahBread
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This story makes me feel like I'm not alone, I'm so sorry that you went through that sort of stuff. My story is more of a subconcious battle, I hope to right a good story about MY coming out soon, but first I have to come out 
It's great to hear that coming out payed off, I'm happy that you found someone you love. I have a boyfriend my self, but he lives all the way in Florida  but I know our love is true. But I digress, congrats on everything I hope your life gets better before it gets worse.
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Re:So basically, this is my whole story
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Date: 2007/12/09 14:08
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By: RAWR! Im A Duck
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PetahBread wrote:
This story makes me feel like I'm not alone, I'm so sorry that you went through that sort of stuff. My story is more of a subconcious battle, I hope to right a good story about MY coming out soon, but first I have to come out
It's great to hear that coming out payed off, I'm happy that you found someone you love. I have a boyfriend my self, but he lives all the way in Florida but I know our love is true. But I digress, congrats on everything I hope your life gets better before it gets worse.
best of luck on coming out :]
Scott Ducky
Security Manager
Operations Officer
Chatroom Moderator
Forum Moderator
RAWR.mod@thegyc.com
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