I was talking to one of my friends a few days ago, and to make a long story short, I didn't come out to her the way I had planned. I was outed to her by a friend of mine, and she flipped out. Now we're fine, she's not mad or whatever, but when we were talking she said she accepted me, but didn't understand me. Is it my job to try and explain to her why I'm gay, to make her understand, or should I just be happy that she accepts it? We have bad days, good days, and indifferent days, but we look up, brush it off and move on.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
Date: 2007/05/28 19:10
By: Trulymauri
Status:
In my personal view, understood is always the better, but if your confortable with her acceptance, go for it. Be warned alot of people who accept but don't understand will expect you to be a stereo type, soo keep and eye out. GL The proud to be origanaly me, Mauri C!
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
Date: 2007/05/29 03:56
By: Mihai
Status:
Being understood is the best thing, but being accepted is better than being rejected. I mean... All the persons to which I came out were very nic. However, I can't say that they've all understood me. I mean... sometimes, it's even weird for me to discuss with a straight person the fact that I'm in love with a guy. But it's amazing how supportive people can be, even though they don't really understand how you feel. Give them time, and maybe later they will understand too.
You can also ask people if they are interested in finding out more. And try not to get upset if people ask even not so comfortable questions. Right now, I'm used to it, and I can say I'm even content for people being interesting in finding out how things go.
Nevertheless, it's good that you came out to this girl. It happened to me in a similar way with a friend of mine, though in my case, she "figured it out". Beats me how, apparently she's good at reading people. I wish I had trusted her and told her before she could tell me, but I'm so fine with it now.
Best wishes, Mihai "It's only love... what's everyone so scared of?" - Get Real (1998)
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
Date: 2007/05/29 16:58
By: Soulfire
Status:
I had a disasterous half-coming out, half-running back into the closet farce this year. It was TERRIBLE! Many of my friends are conservative Christians (some more than others); they all said that they accepted me, but it wasn't enough. I came to the sad realization that there is a subtle, yet so very important difference between accepted and understood.
When the GSA day of silence came long, I decided to participate. My friends ridiculed me, which put me almost into shock. I realized that I had no support, and that my friends did NOT love me unconditionally. Interactions changed. My friendship with my best girl friend (who has had a crush on me for almost 4 years) was shattered, and 4 months later is still in chaotic disarray. My closest guy friends still talk to me, and still spend the night (some even STILL sleep in the same bed as me) which means a lot, but I know they disapprove of me.
They just won't come out and say it.
But the things I heard in the hallways. Eyes were on me. People whispered when I walked by. Parents began asking questions, my brother practically stopped talking to me. I resorted to total denial of everything and reverted back to my "straight" self, although I act very 'straight' (though I hate to stereotype). Act isn't the right word, because it's not an act, just how I am.
The rumors have silenced and people have moved on. No longer to I feel like Lindsay Lohan caught with crack on the cover of "The Enquirer".
At any rate, there is a HUGE difference. I was not able to be happy with mere acceptance, and I sought to make people understand, but they wouldn't listen. They wouldn't hear me. And things only got progressively worse.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
Date: 2007/05/30 16:33
By: ThatTromboneGuy
Status:
Wow, thank you all, it really helps. I don't know, I feel like it's my duty to make her understand, but it could be far worse, because she could reject me totally. I'm hoping that if I give it some time, we'll be able to talk about it more like I have with some of my other friends. We have bad days, good days, and indifferent days, but we look up, brush it off and move on.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
Date: 2007/06/06 09:46
By: MedicPlease
Status:
I would prefer to be accepted and understood.
But if I had to choose one or the other, I would have to say accepted. I dont mind if people dont fully understand me for being gay, but I would sooner that they knew I was and were ok with it. I would rather not have any homophobic slagging of or anything, but they dont need to know WHY. Adam Hillsden Manager -Operations Department Chat Moderator Forums Moderator TheGYC Chat Services
If one hides nothing, where is the fun in getting to know him?
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
Date: 2007/06/07 12:40
By: creater3b
Status:
I have had this experience on more than one occasion and I always try to make people understand because isn't knowledge the cure for ignorance and ignorance the cause of hate? I guess I just feel thats one of the few ways I can contribute to the world one person at a time. I find it surprising the number of people who are so naive when it comes to gay issues and its often frustrating but I keep on flapping my gums in hopes of them understanding one day. "I woke up today and wished for tommrow I dont want to be like anyone else I dont even want to be myself"" quote MM
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
Date: 2007/06/22 12:54
By: Corzey
Status:
This reminds me of a conversation I had with my friend the other day. We were in a debate about religion or something, and I asked if he thought being gay was a sin. He said yes, since it was a choice, and God wants us to love women. I asked how he would know if either of these statements were true, and that pretty much stumped him. It's this kind of thinking that tells me he would never UNDERSTAND me being gay, and probably wouldn't accept it either. But if he does accept it, I suppose that's okay.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
Date: 2007/06/23 16:50
By: jams
Status:
honestly, i'm tired of str8 people. hearing all this talk about what WE should do to make THEM understand drives me crazy - it's not our obligation to teach them. if they have a problem, whatever. they can talk to some other str8s about it. it's too painful (for me at least) to hear str8s talk about us. i bet a lot of you older people are beyond this stage, but i'm still angry and militant (...and closeted lol). so acceptance/understanding, whatever. with all the self-hatred they've already given me, i don't give a **** what they think about me.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
Date: 2007/06/27 15:40
By: FunkRockVHSBaby!
Status:
I think a person must be willing to understand and open to change before you can talk to them about it although you might even influence how they think which is good.
In addition, I am not easily frightened. Not because I am brave but beause I know that I am dealing human beings, and that I must try as hard as I can to understand everything that anyone ever does. I usually feel no indignation, rather a real compassion towards people. Bigotry leads to hate and hates leads to violence, if I ever meet a person such as this I would have liked to start healing them there and then, for I know that pitiful people like that are dangerous as soon as they are let loose on mankind.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
Date: 2007/08/01 08:02
By: Eric M
Status:
I don't think str8 people will fully understand y people are gay and how it is to be gay because they are not gay there str8.
Most of my friends Accepted me but they do not understand it fully. They have some idea but not the full picture of what it is like to be gay. I can tell them what it is like and y im the way i am but i think they need to experince it themselff to fully understand it. Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
Date: 2007/08/06 15:58
By: Trabant
Status:
Personally I've always believed that acceptance is the first step to understanding. As long as someone has an open mind and accepts that they don't understand in time they will be able to come around.
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