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The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2006/08/19 19:06
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By: Scorpion
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Well in terms of coming out to you parents, just remember that most of them will go through the 5 stages of denial:
[u]Five Stages Of Denial
1. Denial and Isolation.
At first, they tend to deny the information just recieved, and may withdraw from their usual social contacts and you after you told them. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
Your parents may then be furious at the fact that you have come out, or at the world and/or at a friend of yours that may have influenced you, for letting it happen. They may be angry with themseves for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have prevented it.
3. Bargaining.
Your parents may make bargains with you and ask if you have tried having a girlfriend or boyfriend and being straight. They will try convince you its a phase your going through and that you must focus on being straight then everything will be alright.
4. Depression.
Your parents may feel numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath. This is due to them not having any control over what they just learnt about you.
5. Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and depression have tapered off. Your parents simply accept the reality of your sexuality and the fact that it makes you happy. They will realise that you have not changed in personality, just that you've changed in your sexual preferances and this makes you comfortable and happy. After all this is what all parents want, for their children, they want them to be happy.
As I said not everyones parents go through these stages, but most of them do. So at least now you will know about these stages and hopefully by reading this it will not take you by surprise when it happens and you will be ready for them. Feel free to comment if you want 
Post edited by: Scorpion, at: 2006/08/19 23:09
Post edited by: Scorpion, at: 2006/08/20 05:15
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2006/08/31 00:46
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By: rikka65
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Wow, that is cheerful!
I would say that things never follow patterns except in maths questions.
This, of course, does not apply to siblings. My sister was amazing about it when I told her. My mother has been dropping strong hints that she knows and keeps trying to drag it out of me, so naturally I hide deeper. My father would go apoplectic if he ever suspected.
Families are difficult to predict at the best of times, but what you have portrayed seems to me to be a worst-case scenario. Face it, I couldn't bear to live with my parents during the first few stages!
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2006/08/31 20:29
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By: Scorpion
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Well as I said most parents go through these stages, not all of them. This is incase you are not sure what your parents will do, so it will help prepair you for what may or may not happen... Yeah none of us could live in the first few stages with our prents, but as you can see it does get better through time.
I hope it helps you when you decide to come out 
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2006/09/03 04:11
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By: icedemon
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Yeah reading that just excites me, makes me think of all the .....good things to come!! The first 4 stages sound pretty awful, can't we just like drug them and hope for the best. It could be like the Matrix...take this red pill if you wish to forget about your son's sexuality and live in denial...or take the blue pill for acceptance of your son's sexuality. (Man, I could market these pills, I am doing a science degree!!)
But hey I think every case is different. And I know my Dad would completely freak, but my sister (who is kinda like a second mum) was great about it. It all depends upon the individual.
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2006/09/08 09:16
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By: Scorpion
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Yeah it would be so easy to tell them if we could get hold of those pills
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2006/09/21 12:58
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By: boerseun
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As I page through all the pages on this site I notice that many gay guys have a problem with “closet cases”. And I am sorry for generelising, but I have noticed it from my gay friends as well.
I am not a closet case, well not exactly…
Let me say it this way: I don’t have a problem with being gay, but I don’t feel the need to “Out” myself at this stage of my life.
Yes, I am attracted to guys and no, girls have never crossed my mind, well not sexually. But if people ask me if I am gay or bi I say: “I am André.” Why do I have to put myself in a category?
So, why do I have to come out of the closet? I told my mother that I am attracted to men, but that’s where it ended. I go to gay clubs, but there are too many guys there who just want to fool around, so I just go to party.
If I was straight I would not go around advertising it, would I?! Why do I have to jump out of a closet and proclaim to the world that I like men?! Why can’t I just be? Be whatever. Be André.
My gay friends do not believe me anyway when I say I like boys; they say I am too straight. How can I be too straight?!?!
Because I don’t know who designed my shoes?!
I like watching Rugby, soaps are pathetic; I love having a braai instead of a French salad; I don’t use body cream and I don’t shave (or wax) my body hair. I shave with a electric and I don’t cleanse and tone; I don’t wear make-up, unless I have to when I am on set (film). I have never thought about how I would look in my mother’s dress and I don’t take hours to decide what shirt to wear. And I take pride in the fact that I am a old-fashioned gentleman. I will open the car door for you, whether you like it or not. And I will call you to ask you what you are thinking at that exact moment. I want to be the first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thing you think about before you go to sleep. I am a man.
I am a hopeless romantic, I get hurt over and over, because I fall in love to easily, but I don’t care, its part of life. I will stand up and try again. I don’t like watching Romantic Comedies, because I study film-making and they are all so predictable; but I like holding someone while they watch it.
Why do gay guys (again: sorry for generalising) want me to be different?! I have not introduced one of my boyfriends to my family. Not because I am not a family man and not because I am ashamed. My family is my life, so when someone comes along that appreciates and loves me for who I am, the chances are good that I will introduce him to them. But why do I have to tell my family if no boy (of the 2 semi-serious relationships I’ve been in) has sticked with me long enough to give love a chance?! It only makes sense to introduce them to someone who is important to me and that I am important to. If my mother sees that the guy I am with adores me and doesn’t want to stop kissing me she will be happy – I know it.
So, in the meanwhile I will go on searching, without wearing a D&G belt. Is that so bad?
So, which "stage" am I?
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2006/09/22 08:51
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By: Scorpion
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Hmm well, by you saying braai I take it you from S.A Hey so am I...
Well you not in any stage, you have accepted what you are and moved straight on past that. Well done!
Im like you as well, Im not out there either and I would also rather be known as Brad
How did your mom feel about you being attracted to guys when you told her? It looks as though she accepted it quite willingly??
Anyway thanks for your input,
Cheers 
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2006/12/19 22:46
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By: ash14
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Scorpion wrote:
Well in terms of coming out to you parents, just remember that most of them will go through the 5 stages of denial:
[u]Five Stages Of Denial
1. Denial and Isolation.
At first, they tend to deny the information just recieved, and may withdraw from their usual social contacts and you after you told them. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
Your parents may then be furious at the fact that you have come out, or at the world and/or at a friend of yours that may have influenced you, for letting it happen. They may be angry with themseves for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have prevented it.
3. Bargaining.
Your parents may make bargains with you and ask if you have tried having a girlfriend or boyfriend and being straight. They will try convince you its a phase your going through and that you must focus on being straight then everything will be alright.
4. Depression.
Your parents may feel numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath. This is due to them not having any control over what they just learnt about you.
5. Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and depression have tapered off. Your parents simply accept the reality of your sexuality and the fact that it makes you happy. They will realise that you have not changed in personality, just that you've changed in your sexual preferances and this makes you comfortable and happy. After all this is what all parents want, for their children, they want them to be happy.
As I said not everyones parents go through these stages, but most of them do. So at least now you will know about these stages and hopefully by reading this it will not take you by surprise when it happens and you will be ready for them. Feel free to comment if you want
Post edited by: Scorpion, at: 2006/08/19 23:09<br><br>Post edited by: Scorpion, at: 2006/08/20 05:15
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))
my folks gave me a hug, and they stood by me, i think tho im one of the lucky ones !
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2006/12/23 15:26
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By: Cliff
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Wow, Its true I suppose, but I would'nt really know, cos' I've not told my parents yet.
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2007/01/09 23:48
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By: Callum Fraser
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Me neither... I'm dreading admitting it to my parents. Sucks I know. Got really upset about it tonight and all. Still, the fact that I've admitted it to myself has given me a permanent morale boost, raised the Median, say. Like in those daft games when you get a permanent health increase. If I manage to come out to my parents that will be like heaven, I just know it. It's just finding the moment...
I wanted this account deleted, but not much unlike MySpace, they wouldn't. Well, here I have a little something.
FUCK YOU GYC.
Maybe that will get the profile deleted.
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2007/01/11 14:53
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By: Callum Fraser
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I told my Mum this morning. No big deal, she asked me why I felt that way so I said well I've never had a girlfriend (or any great desire to, for that matter), I am attracted to boys (duh), I felt right when I admitted it to myself (along with everything slotting into place) and it just all made sense, and I had felt like this since I was 14, moreso in recent months.
I wanted this account deleted, but not much unlike MySpace, they wouldn't. Well, here I have a little something.
FUCK YOU GYC.
Maybe that will get the profile deleted.
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2007/01/11 14:57
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By: Callum Fraser
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Scorpion wrote:
Well in terms of coming out to you parents, just remember that most of them will go through the 5 stages of denial:
[u]Five Stages Of Denial
1. Denial and Isolation.
At first, they tend to deny the information just recieved, and may withdraw from their usual social contacts and you after you told them. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
Your parents may then be furious at the fact that you have come out, or at the world and/or at a friend of yours that may have influenced you, for letting it happen. They may be angry with themseves for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have prevented it.
3. Bargaining.
Your parents may make bargains with you and ask if you have tried having a girlfriend or boyfriend and being straight. They will try convince you its a phase your going through and that you must focus on being straight then everything will be alright.
4. Depression.
Your parents may feel numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath. This is due to them not having any control over what they just learnt about you.
5. Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and depression have tapered off. Your parents simply accept the reality of your sexuality and the fact that it makes you happy. They will realise that you have not changed in personality, just that you've changed in your sexual preferances and this makes you comfortable and happy. After all this is what all parents want, for their children, they want them to be happy.
As I said not everyones parents go through these stages, but most of them do. So at least now you will know about these stages and hopefully by reading this it will not take you by surprise when it happens and you will be ready for them. Feel free to comment if you want
Post edited by: Scorpion, at: 2006/08/19 23:09<br><br>Post edited by: Scorpion, at: 2006/08/20 05:15
Thanks for the tips! I took quite a few of them on before telling my Mum, which I did this morning, and I feel much better now. It took a while to sink in after I told my Mum, and I felt a little depressed for a while again after, but now I've analyzed the situation properly I'm all jolly now. I know I did the right thing. Sorry for the amount of posts!
I wanted this account deleted, but not much unlike MySpace, they wouldn't. Well, here I have a little something.
FUCK YOU GYC.
Maybe that will get the profile deleted.
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2007/01/15 15:05
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By: gracefulwanderer
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hmm sounds like fun . i was really quite lucky when i came out to my dad he was just so accepting and cool about it!. i still havent told my mum because she would freak out i want to tell her soon though.
    
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2007/01/21 12:38
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By: Scorpion
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Hey Callum
Im glad to hear my post helped dude and well done on telling your mom. Its also good to hear she really took it well.
Also thanks to the rest of the guys/girls who left comments its always nice to hear what you think 
Anyways have fun, keep safe and I will see you on the chat site soon
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2007/04/10 03:10
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By: xjordzx
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thats so weird everyone seems to have had this harsh;ly rough time about it. im a triplet and my loving brother hus known for ages decided to drop a hint to my mum so she just asked me. it was like 'oh right, so ur gay then?' i was like - 'yeh'.... i think my rents were kwl cos they know there gna get grandchildren off my brothers anyway so...
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2007/04/12 10:11
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By: charlilake1991
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my mum was instantly accepting with it but as times gone on i can see that she is sub conciously stereo typing me i no she doesnt mean to but i think its her way of dealing with it x
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2007/05/12 11:56
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By: Callum Fraser
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Scorpion wrote:
Hey Callum
Im glad to hear my post helped dude and well done on telling your mom. Its also good to hear she really took it well.
Also thanks to the rest of the guys/girls who left comments its always nice to hear what you think
Anyways have fun, keep safe and I will see you on the chat site soon
Thanks! [I dont use the Chat] 
I wanted this account deleted, but not much unlike MySpace, they wouldn't. Well, here I have a little something.
FUCK YOU GYC.
Maybe that will get the profile deleted.
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2007/05/30 12:35
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By: Bimis
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I have been in denial about my sexual preference for all my life even when I started doing things that confirmed it like getting aroused by a guy or something but recently I came out and I have no problem expressing it I haven't told everybody but the people I have told I am perfectly open to them about my feelings towards guys three days after I came out I went to a gay youth meeting and people were amazed at how quick I sprang into action and became excepting of myself I've told a small amount of people and some of them have been a tad bit weirded out nd some extremely ok with it some of my new gay friends thought it was a little strange that I'm acting so fast but I don't want to live a lie anymore. and I know that I am gay it just feels right when someone would call me gay b4 it would piss me off but now I take it as a compliment because I feel there recognizing that I am who I am. despite how sure i am I still have doubts.
even though I am so open when I feel it's necessary I still have a little sense of denial from day to day and it annoys me but I can't control it especially when I think about some of my friends I'll dread coming out to. I feel extremely free being out to my friends and I love being with a guy but when I wasn't out and still in denial I would watch like the real world and see guys in love and would think I could never be in love with a guy and until I find love with a guy I still will think the same I guess but iono I have already had relations with a guy since I've been out I didn't really have sex I thought of it as making up for all the experimenting I would have done if i was straight when I was younger. so am I moving to fast for my own good? is it because I am moving so fast in the beginning stages that I have doubts and will these unsure thoughts subside? do alot of people go through this? or am I going at the right pace I tell myself I am just making up for the life that I missed out on being in denial. 
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2007/05/30 12:35
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By: Bimis
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I have been in denial about my sexual preference for all my life even when I started doing things that confirmed it like getting aroused by a guy or something but recently I came out and I have no problem expressing it I haven't told everybody but the people I have told I am perfectly open to them about my feelings towards guys three days after I came out I went to a gay youth meeting and people were amazed at how quick I sprang into action and became excepting of myself I've told a small amount of people and some of them have been a tad bit weirded out nd some extremely ok with it some of my new gay friends thought it was a little strange that I'm acting so fast but I don't want to live a lie anymore. and I know that I am gay it just feels right when someone would call me gay b4 it would piss me off but now I take it as a compliment because I feel there recognizing that I am who I am. despite how sure i am I still have doubts.
even though I am so open when I feel it's necessary I still have a little sense of denial from day to day and it annoys me but I can't control it especially when I think about some of my friends I'll dread coming out to. I feel extremely free being out to my friends and I love being with a guy but when I wasn't out and still in denial I would watch like the real world and see guys in love and would think I could never be in love with a guy and until I find love with a guy I still will think the same I guess but iono I have already had relations with a guy since I've been out I didn't really have sex I thought of it as making up for all the experimenting I would have done if i was straight when I was younger. so am I moving to fast for my own good? is it because I am moving so fast in the beginning stages that I have doubts and will these unsure thoughts subside? do alot of people go through this? or am I going at the right pace I tell myself I am just making up for the life that I missed out on being in denial.
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Re:The Stages of Denial
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Date: 2007/06/07 19:53
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By: devinious
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I think someone might have mentioned this earlier, but your parents' response will be very similar to your stages you went through when accepting that you're gay/bi/trans/etc
Shock
Denial
Grief
More denial
Maybe some acceptance
Back to denial (rinse and repeat from the second step)
Then, eventually, and not alway, to acceptance.
Also very similar to when a person dies.
Key to speeding up the process is COMMUNICATION
Don't leave your parents/relations/friends in the dark after you come out. Answer their questions. Show them you're still there, you're still the same person and show them you're now more open and honest with them than ever before.
And remember, what goes around
Comes around.
Show lots of love, care and understanding, even in the most hurtful situations.
Best of luck!
-Be the change you want to see in the world-
Ghandi
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