This may get a bit long, sorry in advance. Oh, and its not strictly anything to do with homosexuality, but i wanna get it out there a bit.
ok, so i have a straight, male best friend, who here im gonna call Dave. I used to have a crush on Dave, but now im pretty much over it, mainly because im good friends with his gf which helps me to understand that nothing can happen. The issue is now in two parts; Firstly, i spend all my time with him really, and we go everywhere together, but he continues to overshadow me. Everywhere I go, people are telling me how nice he is, and Im always talking about him with our friends. Nobody seems to look at me, or take much notice of me. I dont know what I can do, save jumping up on a table and screamng 'Look at me! Over here!' Secondly, our friendship seems a little one way. I really care for him and I really care about him, I help him get through his problems, I check how he is all the time, but im always the one calling him, not the other way around, I have to arrange to meet up, he will never suggest to me that we do it. I feel ignored by him. His gf tells me that he really does care about me, but Im not so sure. I seem to be low on his agenda while he is high on mine. He really is a nice person, if a little emotionally insensitive, and I will loose the main part of my life if we grow apart. I really dont know what to do for either of these issues, and its tearing me apart because I really love him as a friend. Any advice at all would be appreciated. Thank you in advance, sorry for the long/deep post. The age of the 7" is nigh! Vinyl is still alive!
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Re:Friend Issues
Date: 2007/08/07 13:16
By: k_owen
Status:
hmmmmmmmm regarding the putting him in the centre of attention every time well....that's simple to deal with i think.... let me give an example....for example....you have just met a couple of his friends....and well as you said....you start talking and they start saying how nice he is and talking about your friend....and like you maybe share something you did with him.....and like when you do something like that instead of focusing on him.......you might include like "you" aswell and how you acted with your friend in a certain situation if you're narrating......so like you talk about yourself to his friends or other people through your friend and through the moments you shared with him....so that others will learn more about who you are and will notice how nice you are aswell I hope you understood what i tried to say cause i didn't explain it very clearly but anyway........
now regarding him not chasing you to meet up and things like that.......simply let him miss you........stop calling him to meet up and wait for him to do it......the reasoning behind it is quite simple.....if you are the one who always plans things and sees when you both can meet up....since it is you who takes care of everything, there is no reason for him to do it himself since you're the one who is always doing it.......try and let him call you to meet up.....but while you are waiting for him to do so...don't lose contact with him cause he might think that you're angry or crossed at him about something or something like that...... I hope it works out....cause some people just don't figure out that they you're waiting for them to call you to meet up
Don't let any issue tear you apart......everything can be dealt with...there's a solution for everything..all we need to do is relax and believe that things can work out.....i hope i've been of any help good luck
love, Keith
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Re:Friend Issues
Date: 2007/08/07 16:33
By: Finjen
Status:
Him catching everyone's attention probably can't be helped and he probably doesn't do it intentionally.
As for the one way of communications I know the feeling, you feel more like a friend of conveniance than a real friend despite having reassurances. Probably best to tell him how you feel. Then again you might have to ask is he worth it? My situation wasn't and i let the friendship dissolve as he was a prick. Hopefully though it won't come to that, good luck!
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Re:Friend Issues
Date: 2007/08/08 09:32
By: patrick89
Status:
There are some people who seem to constantly attract attention, it will fade over time though I think.
And as it was suggested, you might stop calling him and wait for him to call, but I have to warn you, men are really dumb, and he might not check what you want him to do,...
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Re:Friend Issues
Date: 2007/08/09 02:46
By: Dan69
Status:
How often do you usually call him? Generally, showing a small taste of being lonely to someone will make them want to be around more, and usually they will make the effort to contact you.. Just don't let it go too long without calliing or he may think he has lost you as a friend, which could make him really upset and still not call you.
When I had this problem... it was with a friend I called almost every day.. I waited a week, and he called wanting to do something.. It may work for you, it may not... Some friends are too lazy to call, even if they do care about you as a friend. No those pants don't make your butt look big. It doesn't need any help looking big.
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Re:Friend Issues
Date: 2007/08/09 03:23
By: casioforever
Status:
Hi, thank you all for the great advice, its really helped.
I think the thing about him seeming to overshadow me is as much my fault as anyones, I do talk about him a lot, and most of my other friends are his ex's or people who I've met through him, so this may just be natural. K_Owen, thats really good advice, thank you very much .
I was round his house yesterday and I tried to talk about the whole 'one way' friendship thing, and he said that he can just be a bit lazy sometimes, but I did say to him that he would always be more important to me than anyone else (meaning boyfriends, really), and hes was just "I like having someone i can talk to serious stuff about" which is closer, but still miles off. Maybe hes just insensitive male, or just shy about that sort of stuff.
Thanks again everyone, it really helps, its a big thing i have to deal with because this guy is big in my life. The age of the 7" is nigh! Vinyl is still alive!
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Re:Friend Issues
Date: 2007/08/11 15:14
By: frankhs
Status:
I've had a very similar experience. Almost identical in fact, except that my friend had no girlfriend. I mean I looked after this guy when he was ill, and he probably wouldn't even call me if I was.
The way i see it is that some people see friendship differently. You are obviously, like me, someone who works for a relationship and enjoys giving (no pun intended) to receive in return, so you can reap what you sow. And something that is an admirable quality in people, I think, you enjoy making others happy.
My friend saw friendship differently. He thought that friends are who are with you at that moment. He believed that you shouldn't have to work for a friendship, if you do, it isn't meant to be. He also has never really grasped other peoples feelings very well, so he comes off selfish and shallow, which isn't true. He just doesn't see the world and the others around him like I do.
I eventually came to the conclusion of not being best friends with him... It just turned out to be a bit too painful for me. I realised I had other friends (str8 ones) who cared so much more, I was just blinded by my infatuation originally and was looking for something that wasn't there. By the looks of it your friend sounds more sensitive than mine, so keep with him. my advice is just not to heap so much on one person, spread your friendship, and put more of it in someone who's willing to give back!
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Re:Friend Issues
Date: 2007/08/11 15:14
By: frankhs
Status:
sorry for the long post!
Post edited by: frankhs, at: 2007/08/11 15:15
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Re:Friend Issues
Date: 2007/08/13 02:29
By: Top_Cat
Status:
Yeah, this seems familiar to me too! Erm... from my experience, the more you think about this guy, the more likely you are NOT to get any attention - people pick up on negative vibes, but half the time, rather than help the person out, people end up avoiding you just so they don't get brought down. My advice would be, distance yourself a bit from this friend (perhaps time this perfectly after you tell him how much it hurts that he never treats you like you deserve) and get involved in AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE with other people. The more you get your mind off him, the happier and more cheery you'll feel, and BINGO - everyone will want to be near you
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Erm... from my experience, the more you think about this guy, the more likely you are NOT to get any attention - people pick up on negative vibes, but half the time, rather than help the person out, people end up avoiding you just so they don't get brought down. My advice would be, distance yourself a bit from this friend (perhaps time this perfectly after you tell him how much it hurts that he never treats you like you deserve) and get involved in AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE with other people. The more you get your mind off him, the happier and more cheery you'll feel, and BINGO - everyone will want to be near you 
