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Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/05/28 08:44
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By: ThatTromboneGuy
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I was talking to one of my friends a few days ago, and to make a long story short, I didn't come out to her the way I had planned. I was outed to her by a friend of mine, and she flipped out. Now we're fine, she's not mad or whatever, but when we were talking she said she accepted me, but didn't understand me. Is it my job to try and explain to her why I'm gay, to make her understand, or should I just be happy that she accepts it?
We have bad days, good days, and indifferent days, but we look up, brush it off and move on.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/05/28 19:10
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By: Trulymauri
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In my personal view, understood is always the better, but if your confortable with her acceptance, go for it.
Be warned alot of people who accept but don't understand will expect you to be a stereo type, soo keep and eye out.
GL
The proud to be origanaly me, Mauri C!
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/05/29 03:56
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By: Mihai
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Being understood is the best thing, but being accepted is better than being rejected. I mean... All the persons to which I came out were very nic. However, I can't say that they've all understood me. I mean... sometimes, it's even weird for me to discuss with a straight person the fact that I'm in love with a guy. But it's amazing how supportive people can be, even though they don't really understand how you feel. Give them time, and maybe later they will understand too.
You can also ask people if they are interested in finding out more. And try not to get upset if people ask even not so comfortable questions. Right now, I'm used to it, and I can say I'm even content for people being interesting in finding out how things go. 
Nevertheless, it's good that you came out to this girl. It happened to me in a similar way with a friend of mine, though in my case, she "figured it out". Beats me how, apparently she's good at reading people. I wish I had trusted her and told her before she could tell me, but I'm so fine with it now.
Best wishes,
Mihai
"It's only love... what's everyone so scared of?" - Get Real (1998)
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/05/29 16:58
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By: Soulfire
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I had a disasterous half-coming out, half-running back into the closet farce this year. It was TERRIBLE! Many of my friends are conservative Christians (some more than others); they all said that they accepted me, but it wasn't enough. I came to the sad realization that there is a subtle, yet so very important difference between accepted and understood.
When the GSA day of silence came long, I decided to participate. My friends ridiculed me, which put me almost into shock. I realized that I had no support, and that my friends did NOT love me unconditionally. Interactions changed. My friendship with my best girl friend (who has had a crush on me for almost 4 years) was shattered, and 4 months later is still in chaotic disarray. My closest guy friends still talk to me, and still spend the night (some even STILL sleep in the same bed as me) which means a lot, but I know they disapprove of me.
They just won't come out and say it.
But the things I heard in the hallways. Eyes were on me. People whispered when I walked by. Parents began asking questions, my brother practically stopped talking to me. I resorted to total denial of everything and reverted back to my "straight" self, although I act very 'straight' (though I hate to stereotype). Act isn't the right word, because it's not an act, just how I am.
The rumors have silenced and people have moved on. No longer to I feel like Lindsay Lohan caught with crack on the cover of "The Enquirer".
At any rate, there is a HUGE difference. I was not able to be happy with mere acceptance, and I sought to make people understand, but they wouldn't listen. They wouldn't hear me. And things only got progressively worse.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/05/30 16:33
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By: ThatTromboneGuy
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Wow, thank you all, it really helps. I don't know, I feel like it's my duty to make her understand, but it could be far worse, because she could reject me totally. I'm hoping that if I give it some time, we'll be able to talk about it more like I have with some of my other friends.
We have bad days, good days, and indifferent days, but we look up, brush it off and move on.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/06/06 09:46
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By: MedicPlease
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I would prefer to be accepted and understood.
But if I had to choose one or the other, I would have to say accepted.
I dont mind if people dont fully understand me for being gay, but I would sooner that they knew I was and were ok with it.
I would rather not have any homophobic slagging of or anything, but they dont need to know WHY.
If one hides nothing, where is the fun in getting to know him?
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/06/07 12:40
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By: creater3b
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I have had this experience on more than one occasion and I always try to make people understand because isn't knowledge the cure for ignorance and ignorance the cause of hate? I guess I just feel thats one of the few ways I can contribute to the world one person at a time. I find it surprising the number of people who are so naive when it comes to gay issues and its often frustrating but I keep on flapping my gums in hopes of them understanding one day.
"I woke up today and wished for tommrow I dont want to be like anyone else I dont even want to be myself""
quote MM
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/06/22 12:54
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By: Corzey
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This reminds me of a conversation I had with my friend the other day. We were in a debate about religion or something, and I asked if he thought being gay was a sin. He said yes, since it was a choice, and God wants us to love women. I asked how he would know if either of these statements were true, and that pretty much stumped him. It's this kind of thinking that tells me he would never UNDERSTAND me being gay, and probably wouldn't accept it either. But if he does accept it, I suppose that's okay.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/06/23 16:50
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By: jams
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honestly, i'm tired of str8 people. hearing all this talk about what WE should do to make THEM understand drives me crazy - it's not our obligation to teach them. if they have a problem, whatever. they can talk to some other str8s about it. it's too painful (for me at least) to hear str8s talk about us. i bet a lot of you older people are beyond this stage, but i'm still angry and militant (...and closeted lol). so acceptance/understanding, whatever. with all the self-hatred they've already given me, i don't give a **** what they think about me.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/06/27 15:40
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By: FunkRockVHSBaby!
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I think a person must be willing to understand and open to change before you can talk to them about it although you might even influence how they think which is good.
In addition, I am not easily frightened. Not because I am brave but beause I know that I am dealing human beings, and that I must try as hard as I can to understand everything that anyone ever does. I usually feel no indignation, rather a real compassion towards people. Bigotry leads to hate and hates leads to violence, if I ever meet a person such as this I would have liked to start healing them there and then, for I know that pitiful people like that are dangerous as soon as they are let loose on mankind.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/08/01 08:02
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By: Eric M
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I don't think str8 people will fully understand y people are gay and how it is to be gay because they are not gay there str8.
Most of my friends Accepted me but they do not understand it fully. They have some idea but not the full picture of what it is like to be gay. I can tell them what it is like and y im the way i am but i think they need to experince it themselff to fully understand it. 
Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/08/06 15:58
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By: Trabant
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Personally I've always believed that acceptance is the first step to understanding. As long as someone has an open mind and accepts that they don't understand in time they will be able to come around.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/08/22 12:42
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By: the_crampo
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acceptance is condescending
acceptance means being different and remaining different even if the person 'accepts' you
its a label thing acceptance implies the label 'different'
being understood makes you logical and thus sane and thus the need for the label of difference is no longer needed
plus acceptance is only the half-way point between rejection and understanding, its not really good enough in my mind.
if they cant understand fully (after appropriate discussion and application of reason) then their friendship (for me) would not be valuable
especially as friendship is about mutuality and understanding between two people
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/10/19 03:21
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By: abitcompletelyexcellent
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I wouldn't agree that "acceptance is condescending." I think that while acceptance does imply difference, that's just something that we have to come to terms with, because we ARE different, in that we are outnumbered - the majority of people are straight. In my opinion, nobody can understand the way that you are feeling unless they have felt the same way themselves. You need to have experienced the same emotion to know what a person is going through. So while another gay person can understand, the best a straight friend can do for you is to accept you for who you are, without judgement or disapproval, and realise that you are actually just the same person.
x
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/10/19 13:01
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By: doodlegong
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I think acceptance can be condescending, however maybe its just me but I have alot of problems understanding lots of straight issues & why society believes we should all be straight, so I understand that straight people have difficulties understanding us. Acceptance is better that rejection and yeah I guess understanding and acceptance are better than just acceptance but from someone who has spent the last 6 months and will proberbly spend the next 60 years trying to help those close to me who don't understand to be "enlightened", just because they don't understand you (as long as they still accept you) there is no reason not to continue being their friend because arn't we being the condescending ones when we refuse to help them understand? We're just saying "well you should understand" aren't we?
hope that made a small amount of sense.
much love xxx
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/10/28 20:48
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By: spiratical555
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One or the other doesn't cut it.
You need to be accepted AND understood.
If someone only accepts you, they're sort of patronizing you.
They will probably somehow offend you somehow by some sort of "choice" comment or something, if you don't explain it.
And.
Just as a sidenote.
If they only understood, but didn't accept you, they would be a moron.
If someone can hate someone for something THEY KNOW was out of their control, they have serious psychological issues.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/10/29 05:50
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By: doodlegong
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If they only understood, but didn't accept you, they would be a moron. If someone can hate someone for something THEY KNOW was out of their control, they have serious psychological issues.
I understand where your coming from but I understand why terrorists act the way they do, I still hate them.
Maybe understanding something is justification for hating someone for it.
If they understand why I'm a lesbian and choose to hate me thats just a misjudgement and ignorance towards me. If they spend the time to understand me and then say I hate you for it at least they understand and have adequate justification for hating me.
Im not saying that homophobia is right and that I wouldn't be hurt if a friend turned round to me tomorrow and said I now understand why you are gay and I hate you for it, but I'd rather be hated for what I was than for what people believed I was, but then again I'd rather sexuality made no difference to the way people felt about each other and that we could all be accepted and understood no matter what.
I spend too much of my life studying philosophy, it makes me rant alot!  thanks for triggering the outburst it does me good.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/10/29 17:26
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By: spiratical555
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doodlegong wrote:
If they only understood, but didn't accept you, they would be a moron. If someone can hate someone for something THEY KNOW was out of their control, they have serious psychological issues.
I understand where your coming from but I understand why terrorists act the way they do, I still hate them.
Maybe understanding something is justification for hating someone for it.
If they understand why I'm a lesbian and choose to hate me thats just a misjudgement and ignorance towards me. If they spend the time to understand me and then say I hate you for it at least they understand and have adequate justification for hating me.
Im not saying that homophobia is right and that I wouldn't be hurt if a friend turned round to me tomorrow and said I now understand why you are gay and I hate you for it, but I'd rather be hated for what I was than for what people believed I was, but then again I'd rather sexuality made no difference to the way people felt about each other and that we could all be accepted and understood no matter what.
I spend too much of my life studying philosophy, it makes me rant alot! thanks for triggering the outburst it does me good.
Noone FORCES a terrorist fly a plane into a building.
We are forced into our sexuality.
Terrorism is a choice.
If you don't want to kill thousands of people, you won't.
Sexuality isn't a matter of choice in the least.
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/10/30 00:04
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By: waverider
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"Noone FORCES a terrorist to fly a plane into a building." mmm interesting choice of words. Lets see if I can change that a little. How about "Noone FORCES a nation to invade another just because they feel aggrieved that a different culture tried to make a point of view" Yea thats better.
Erm, so why can't we accept "terrorists" for what they are, and understand them? Just like we want the whole planet to accept and understand us? And omg, doodlegong, to HATE them without even trying to understand or accept them.. Just a little hypocritical, me thinks
Post edited by: waverider, at: 2007/10/30 00:05
Post edited by: waverider, at: 2007/10/30 00:06
Post edited by: waverider, at: 2007/10/30 00:07
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Re:Accepted v. Understood
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Date: 2007/10/30 10:28
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By: doodlegong
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It was merely an example to explain that you can understand someone and still have serious issues with their beliefs. Although not a very good one as an indivduals homosexuality rarely ends up in the mass loss of innocent peoples lives and as spiratical555 states choice is completely different in both circumstances.
to HATE them without even trying to understand or accept them.
I understand why terrorists act the way they do
I did try and do understand, I think the issues are too seperate to compare. My mistake I shall rack my brains for a better comparison.
Still think that If people do spend the time to understand me and then say I hate you for it at least they understand and have adequate justification for hating me though.
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