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For ages people have been debating about whether or not being gay is biological or developed, I can honestly say I am living proof that it is biological.
I have a photographic memory, and of course, memories that are mine are the strongest ones, I can remember dreams I had when I was like 5
this is my story from purely school life
I can remember kindergarten looking at the boys, ok I know, that sounds ridiculous, but everyone notices people at that age.. ok so it wasn't a sexual attraction, but even the friendly attraction was just stronger for boys, not in the "girls have cooties so I'm only friends with boys" sort of way either.. I obviously can't explain these feelings but I hope you all understand.
as time went on, maybe third grade.. you know those things you say, whether you know what it means or not, like oh, they're cute, blah blah... I can remember thinking that about my male best friend. and in 4th grade being SO distraught, like emotionally drained and depressed when another one of my good friends "stole" my best friend in a sense.
In 5th grade constant thoughts ran through my mind of who I made friends with, I stuck with certain people because I thought they were cute.
I DID have crushes on girls, and I honestly don't know how to explain those feelings, I know they were forced, I'll get to that in a bit.
Once 6th grade came along, that's when I learned what gay was, that's when it was brought up in class once. I went to a Private Christian School, by the way. From that point on (early 6th grade) I HATED my thoughts, I forced myself to change, I would see cute boys on the TV or something and then yell at myself, and cry. I used to hit myself, literally punch myself in the head, hit myself anywhere. If I knew about cutting then, I honestly think I would have done it. I had bruises on my body from this self punishment, I cried myself to sleep almost every night for at least 3 months..
I forced myself to be straight, I remember choosing a girl that looked fairly pretty and literally deciding that I was going to like her. I was very secretive at first, then I told people, and finally building up the courage to "ask her out" it wasn't an exciting moment, it was painful because it wasn't something I wanted to do. When she rejected me.. it was TERRIBLE, I went into the bathroom and cried and cried because I was hoping that having a girlfriend would "cure" me
More ensued, oh also, I ate a lot starting in 6th grade, not enough to be obese, but I was hefty, and I never was very active..
so I went back to pleading to god every night to help me be happy, to help me feel him talking to me, I felt like I was being ignored because of my thoughts.
in 7th grade I "chose" another girl, and was SCARY obsessive.. I'm pretty sure she was afraid of me, but I wanted so badly to be normal! by mid 7th grade year all my guy friends basically got tired of me, and I became BEST friends with the cheerleaders. That year was so full of forced emotions and fast paced school life, it's nearly a blur, I'm not sure, I prolly had conversations with the cheerleaders about guys, like if they brought one up I'd say "yea, I guess if I had to say, he's kinda cute" (how many of us have done THAT haha)
8th grade.. I was popular! I don't know how it happened but everyone was friends with me.. I was happy all the time.. but I can honestly say I truly wasn't, ok yea, I just contradicted myself, but I was sort of dead my 8th grade year. Almost every emotion I had was pre-conceived the night before, like "this is how I'm gonna be happy tomorrow".. I really wanted out of that school
that summer was full of online chatting with guys, it was also a blur
I went to high school, an Arts High School, you know the stereotypes of Arts Schools? yea, they're true, almost everyone's at least bi
Still, 9th grade, I was brainwashed by my old school and myself, I wasn't gay, I wasn't gay, I'm not gay, I don't like guys, I like girls. I briefly chose a girl but gave up all together on liking anybody..
as the year went on and I found out EVERYONE well not everyone but just about, had at least experimented before (I had too, but I don't feel that's important to this story) I began to loosen up with accepting who I am. by 10th grade I was thinking I might be bi and decided I was bi by the time the end of 10th grade year came around. junior year was my ultimate year, oh and by the way, I was having crushes on guys too, but it wasn't really that emotionally painful so I'm not gonna dedicate a long paragraph to them. I finally realized I was gay my junior year, and ALL my friends knew..
and now we get to senior year.. Well, in the US we have a special day "National Coming Out Day" it's on October 11th, which also happens to be my birthday. I came out to my parents on my 18th birthday this year, and they're perfectly ok with it.
I even found my first boyfriend! I met him here! it was fun while it lasted, but oh well, life goes on ^.^
I hope I didn't bore you all, I have to admit I cried a lot while writing this, it took me a couple hours to complete, so I hope you at least glance at it<br /><br />Post edited by: RAWR! Im A Duck, at: 2008/01/19 16:42
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Web Forum! 
. id give it a 10 
