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Home Page arrow Articles arrow Why come out?
Why come out? Print E-mail
Advice & information
Written by QueerAsLife.com   

Why come out?To live a life where you have to hide the very person you are is to some people unacceptable. Other people become tired of others guessing and talking behind their backs. It’s really a matter of personal choice. One thing is for sure though, and I can’t stress this enough…tell nobody until you are sure yourself. As a kid I would often participate in sexual play with other lads. As a teenager I had other homosexual experiences. BUT you must realise that such activities occur in the adolescent lives of nearly all people, gay and straight alike. It’s a natural process of discovering sexuality.

Even if you feel that your parents already know you are gay, there is sometimes a need to put it into words, because by doing this, you force them to face the truth. This may sound like a brutal thing to force your parents into, but if it’s not done, it’s possible that they are not accepting you for what you are – like living a lie.

At the age of 17 I think I was pretty much certain I was gay, as I had no attraction to girls in an emotional way. It was another year before I told my parents after this realisation. For me I felt that it was unfair to my parents to keep my sexuality hidden because I was staying out ‘til past midnight most nights with my boyfriend. This was causing them concern because I’d never tell them where I was (a gay bar) or who I was with. Being in a very close family, I felt that I had to tell them.

If you feel you must tell your parents about your sexuality, then I wish you all success, but to those who are unsure, I recommend that you wait until you are certain before you say anything. Many people never tell their parents. It’s your life and it’s your decision. In the end, you know your parents better than anybody else, so you know how they’ll react most likely. If things are fine as they are, and you are happy to hide your sexuality, then you may feel that there is no reason to tell anybody. That’s fine and it’s your decision – don’t let anybody else make it for you.

One final point I would like to mention is that during the 1960’s thousands of gay people came out in public, which is one of the major events which has given us the more liberal world we have today. If we then sit back and say nothing, then things will never get better and may even deteriorate. But coming out is a big step, and is not always made by everyone. It is, in the end, a personal choice.

See the coming out to friends article via. Advice and information for further information on WHY to come out.

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Comments (40)
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28-08-2008 02:06
i have only come out tp a few people who i know i can trust but am afraid of coming out to most of my school friends. 
i'd like to but i already get comments at school about my sexuality and i can't decide whether or not to come out fully. i know my parents wouldn't have a problem with it its just some people are making me not want to come out , i just don't know what to do !
Registered
28-08-2008 02:06
i have only come out tp a few people who i know i can trust but am afraid of coming out to most of my school friends. 
i'd like to but i already get comments at school about my sexuality and i can't decide whether or not to come out fully. i know my parents wouldn't have a problem with it its just some people are making me not want to come out , i just don't know what to do !
Registered
15-08-2008 01:24
I dont see any reason why people should be pressured to "come out"...I mean, it's noone's business beside's the person and their partners what their sexual orientation is.
Registered
10-07-2008 10:04
i dont know if anyone else knows how this feels but i live in a smal village and every one is single minded. i only think i could come out to one guy and thats by best mate but am not 100% sure about him ether. My mum thinks my cousin is bi and she dosent think its right but she says its his choice. is it right for me to want to tell them now but coz am too scared what thay think of me i now want to wait till am not staying with them.(my dad dosent stay with me only my mum and her boyfreind) could somebody give some advice please. thanx
Registered
17-06-2008 18:15
Should i come out to my school ? im in Swimming, and i also have gym class every other day. would i still be aloud to partisipate? i dont check out any of the girls, i find them all repulsive, but what should i do? Am i the only one in this situation?
Registered
19-05-2008 11:24
im freaked about it. 
i think im bi, but i may be all the way 
my mums gay, but its still kinda awkward fo me to come out to her 
i had all these dreams of kids and stuff, 
and im freaked about the whole deal! 
i mean i like this boy and yeah, but..
Registered
18-05-2008 06:07
i guess it is personal choice because for now i have to pretend to be str8 because if i dont then i WILL get kicked out by my parents and well i need to eat right?
Registered
01-05-2008 16:39
i haven't told anyone yet, i only recently realised that i was gay  
(although it was kind of obvious) 
 
i'm definatly going to though, the second i accepted being gay it was to the point that i was scared i might be straight instead xD 
 
i really want to tell everyone but i'm scared of the reaction because all of my friends are a bit homophobic (bad crowd i guess) 
my parents on the other hand already suspect it, in fact my mum wants me to be gay! 
 
hoping to tell people before the end of this month because i hate keeping it secret 
 
anyway it really worries me that some peoples parents are homophobic! 
i really hope there isn't any parents that'd kick someone out for being gay, it kinda scares me thinking about it xD
Registered
23-04-2008 04:18
When I told my dad, he told me he'd known since I was 8! :grin
Registered
30-03-2008 16:21
my parents and school is pretty much homophobic, so i couldn't possibly come out, cuz i would not be able to live in my house. I just hope i go far away from home so i can come out, but i am bi so i can make it a few years but my biness is runnning out as i am more attarcted to guys. What do i do?
Registered
12-03-2008 17:24
i dont think i could really do it, i dont think my family would accept me. it hurts to hide half of myself from people, but i think that it might be better, well at least untill im out on my own and my parents cant do anything about it, like send me to some camp to try and turn me straight again
Registered
04-03-2008 05:38
I live in a town full of straight guys and I really don't think I ever want anyone to know I'm gay. I mean, I've known for a while now, but I'm not sure because the town I live in is sooo based on athletics and "guys getting chicks" that I feel if I told anyone I would be put down. I want to move to NYC and study fashion design and merchandising and the town I live in, already doesn't accept that. I'm afraid that me "coming out" would be the end of me as it is. It also doesn't help that I have a Christian family and go to a Chrisitan school. It's very upsetting and I know that if I ever said anything I would be persecuted FOREVER. I know of one guy who might be BI and he has already expressed that with me, but I don't know what to do. Someone please message me or comment. Thank you!!! :sigh
Registered
02-03-2008 11:56
Im scared i think my parents would hate me forever ! my sis hate lesbian people .. im scared of what they will think of me after ! 
:sigh Anyone know what i sound do ?
Registered
14-10-2007 11:26
i didnt come out because i was sure. i wanted someone to talk to about it. and i found it so hard keeping my feelings to myself. i havent yet told my family, but all of my friends know and in general they are really nice about it. its good to be able to tell the truth when i am asked who i fancy.
Registered
06-10-2007 01:18
I came out 2 a few pepz but not my dad ;his side of fam kno & 2 of my sis! my mom side of fam dont kno ;onli my bff knows out of my friends nd i dont kno how 2 tell my dad fam &friends.that dont already kno
Registered
29-09-2007 11:17
I recently came out to my one of my family members, I told them how I felt and was honest. It took me ages to get the words out, but when I did, he said that'll he always stand by me whoever I'm with. 
 
All I can say, is be honest and tell them what you feel. Hope this helps. :)
Registered
14-09-2007 23:18
I dont know how to tell my parents there is only two gay people in my family thats me and my cousin i was the very first and then my cousin but my parents are whole heartedly hate gay people please give me some advice i really need it???????? :?
Registered
30-08-2007 19:25
i'm gradualy and slowly coming out to my friends and just building up the courage to tell my parents.  
please, PLEASE someone tell me how!!
Registered
05-08-2007 21:32
:? ahhhh! goodness, i dont know what to do, i have told all my friends and they are all brill! but i still feel that i am not myself until i have told my parents, but im to scared! any advie pleaseeeee???? :?
Registered
02-08-2007 17:02
I guess i really dont know how lucky I am. All of my friends and school has accepted me as being gay. My parents said it was my choic and they would stand behind me no matter what. There is the occasional talk behind my back. But It really has not affected me at all. Im captain of my highschools varsity soccer team my sophmore year. I made varsity basketball my freashman year. I think it is just a matter of where you live.
Guest
Blake
27-07-2007 05:52
:roll i want to know how to come out to my family
Registered
05-07-2007 00:20
2 weeks ago I came out to my closest friends and I feel great about myself now that I have support. But still getting the nerve to tell my Family.
Registered
23-06-2007 20:45
I don't really want to come out. I think everyone would be find with it. Coz my mother is in hospital so it does really matter to er and my dad would do anything to get me in his life and half my friends a lesbians so they wouldn't care. But I still feel like I don't want to tell them. I don't know why.
Registered
07-05-2007 22:39
Hey i am a boy from connecticut and i am having a hard time coming out.I have not told anyone yet but i am about to tell my BFF. I've known i have been gay for about 2 months now and i hate not telling anyone because all of that thought builds up inside and it even made my grades drop!! :sigh . i guess i am so worried because i dont know how my family and friends will react. I hate it when people like this kid in my school thinks he has every right to call me a fag but people dont have any right to call him a N*G**R. Peace on Earth or Earth in Peaces
Guest
man
28-04-2007 17:02
Am i the only gay in dublin????? I swear it feels like that some times. I havent come out yet but i guess everyone already knows im not one of them gays who looks straight..... :)  
 
I think it would help to have a gay friend just some one to talk to sometimes i feel so alone. :sigh Am i the only one who feels completely alone???????? :?
Guest
james
29-03-2007 15:45
Hey, my name is Alex and I'm 14 and living in England. I've known i was gay for about a year now, but tried to keep it inside, saying it was just a "phase". But after a while, I knew i wasn't attracted to girls, but I decided to confide in my friends (only the ones i trusted, though) After my friends had accepted me (I'd even told my friend, a self-confessed homophobe, and he doesn't really mind at all!) I've also told my mum and brother, and things couldn't b happier. My advice to those who have problems: Tell the people you know won't think any different. As for the others, is it their business?! :) You don't have to shout from the Empire State building that you're gay if straight people don't have to do the same!
Guest
G.A.P!
30-12-2006 13:24
should i?
wow. i guess i never realized how lucky i am- i live in massachusetts, in a suburb of boston, and i dont know anyone who would think of me badly if i told them i was bi. uncomfortable, maybe. 
i haven't told my family yet, even though most of my friends know. for some reason, it feels like my home life should stay the same. but its eating at me at the same time. should i tell them?
Guest
mstariella
25-12-2006 12:23
Being gay...
hi im james i live in london and because im gay people love me and hate me .... im one of thos guys who just wana hide it and fight it and try and be str8 but girls have never been my thing ... once i knew i had to tell my mum i didnt str8 away because i was scared 
but if i didnt tell my friends and family i would be a fake and i had all these lies and i didnt feel right i had books dvds pictures of hot men in my room and everytime my mum would see a film with chadd mm in it she wouldnt guess but not im honest with her and ive told my friends people who hate me can hate me because in the end everyone has people who care for them and now im an open gay single with a hollyoaks 2007 calander in his room for all eyes to see! if ur gay your not alone!XxxXX
Guest
darknessfalls
05-11-2006 22:13
wishing on a star
its still hard to admitt it to myself. I know I am, there really cannot be any other explination to it and I am really starting to accept it myself. It makes it easier when you have sites like this that help prepare you, you get to talk to other people. but back in ther real world its pretty hard. 
 
i want to come out because, im tired of hiding who i am or even who i really think i am, its not because i think you "need" to come out, but i need my identity and im not particularly scared of anything but my parents. It gets depressing when you live a life inside that is different on the outside.
Guest
Adamite
05-11-2006 09:26
wishing on a star
im gay, but told my 5 closest friends i was bi 4 some dumb reason....if u r going to tell a friend, tell them the whole truth and b quick and stright to the point, a long silence may follow which my b good b/c all my friends smiled after i told themand we r even closer now
Guest
jpalaz7
22-10-2006 01:54
Its Hard...
I came out to my friends around the 8th grade. at first they were kinda wierd about it but a few weeks later we talked about it and they understood. i thought that they would hate me because they are all bible-thumpers. i havent come out to my parents but i drop little hints to my dad. i think that he gets it because he is always saying things like, "All ya need now is a flanell t-shirt!" lol so he jokes about it but i think that he gets it.
Guest
PoeticallyGay
12-08-2006 03:05
Well...
I came out to my parents about a few weeks ago, my mum cried from the shock (and also finding out she wasnt to get any grand children out of me) it could of gone better, but also it could of gone worse. My dad didn't say much about it only that he didn't care what sexuality I was. I was so relieved that i turned out good. I think the sooner you come out the better. But always be sure that you have certianly made the correct choice about your sexuality. :)
Guest
dean
02-07-2006 12:26
Well...
It'll be hard to come out if, even your own close friends get disgusted when somebody acts gay.
Guest
s_dee
24-06-2006 18:59
havent told anyone but u
i have not told anyone that im gay id hate to thing wat they think about me. but ill tell u lot wen i knew i was gay. when i was younger me and my mate next door was watching a porno my mate was 18 he said do u want to do wat they are doin (no up the bum shit) only blowjobs but my mate was the hottest guy ive seen. 
thanks for readin relegood
Guest
relegood
13-06-2006 15:52
Being Gay
In 100 years your dust so who gives a dam anyway
Guest
bistudent
22-01-2006 17:25
Coming out
I came out completely at school, not at choice, my phone was read... it went surprisingly well, there is just the part of me which refuses for me to be able to tell my rents... I dont know why
Guest
dracon388
20-12-2005 02:56
Coming out
I want to come out but i am scared because i am the only gay boy where i live and my family do not like gay man and my friends do not like gay man either i have told my best friend i am gay and we are not at all close any more and being gay is the hardest thing to live with
Guest
ben17
10-12-2005 17:32
coming out
[I]when i first started coming out to everyone, people somewhat already know that i was gay. but is was hard cause been that i am jamaican they really dont like that down there. and for my mom she dont like it at all!!! but when she found out she didnt talk to me for 3 weeks. i didnt really know what to do but now that i have come out and she see that i have not change in anyway. she dont like it but i amgoin to let it grow on her cause this is who i am and i am not changing for anyone.[/I]
Guest
jafemme69
05-08-2005 04:47
coming out
I came out to all of my friends in different ways. Most of them, I told durring an instant message conversation. Some people found out by reading my old blogs. About 2 of them found out through people I've told (and I specificly told the people who told my other friends NOT TO TELL [B]ANYONE[/B]), but the hardest one was telling my absolute best friend: a major Catholic. But she took it so much better than I thought she would; she said she didn't mind at all, and that she thought it was awesome that I told her. ^.^ This chick ROCKS.
Guest
The Animal
04-08-2005 16:07
"heterosexuals don't do it so neither
This is written based on someones comments btw...  
"heterosexuals don't do it so neither should we" - well there is one very good reason for this: they have no need to. We are different to heterosexuals - we are attracted to people of the same sex and are not neccessarily different in any other way. Otherwise we are the same. Simply because 'coming out' highlights this underlying difference does not make it any less valid and full of reason. There is nothing wrong with being different in any aspect of ones personality makeup. I would argue you misunderstand what coming out is if you think it is some act of gay pride. Some people come out because they don't want to keep it a secret - and let's face it, it is quite a big secret.
Guest
hamishrp

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