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Coming Out to Your Friends |
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Advice & information
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Page 3 of 3
How should I do it - What you should say?
 Choose a time and place where you are comfortable and feel secure. Writing to, ‘texting’ and calling people is not advised as you will not have control or any insight into how they are reacting. Also, busy places are often tricky. Getting started is the hard part. When I told my friends I said that I intended to tell them something very important “later on”. I hoped to engage the person and make sure they understood that what I wanted to talk about was serious.
Of course, it may not be the best way for you to come out. You may want to start by saying something like, “I’ve been waiting a long time to tell you something about myself… …it’s something that happens naturally and is in no way a choice that I have made”. The idea that it is a choice is of course an illusion, discovering you are attracted to guys/girls is something that happens to everyone – by no coincidence at the time puberty kicks in. Tell them about it – that it is not a choice but something that happens to you rather than because of you. Hopefully after you have said those words, “I’m gay”, then you will be able to talk about it further. Talking about it is a very good idea. Say that you’d like to know how they feel about it as they may not do so straight away. Explain the fears you had about coming out too as they will empathise with your situation more.
It’s a good idea to talk about the ways gay people in gay relationships are the same as straight people in their relationships. It is not all about sex as some people will think. These gay relationships are also based on love, compassion and true feelings; not on sex and testosterone. Any ignorance they have should be dispelled by your knowledge. Aim to resolve any issues they have and that you have straight away. Whilst you’ll want to make sure that the secret is safe and that the person is comfortable with you being gay, do not let it dominate the conversation.
At some point the discussion will become more natural and “ordinary”. Unless you feel uncomfortable changing conversation or have more to ask and say, let the conversation flow off to normal realms. It may show the other person that nothing has changed or should do because you are gay.
Is it not happening?
If you are having real trouble telling someone, don’t give up. Perhaps you are finding it hard because of the circumstances you are in or the person you are telling. You may be stressed or there may be other life events that are mounting up ‘on top’ of the gay issue. Slow down. Deal with each of the issues on their own to take some of the weight off. Coming out at a time where life is tough may result in even more stress and strain than the usual coming out.
Find a productive outlet for your frustration until you find the right time. Do something creative and rewarding? Talk to your gay peers through youth groups and the internet. You may be old enough and ready to meet someone from the internet – if you are going to do this be careful and check the person out thoroughly before hand.
What then?
Once you are out you will feel relief that it is over. If it has gone well do not relax yet. It may be worth bringing it up in conversation again to see how the person feels a few weeks afterwards. If you are keeping it secret make sure that people understand your privacy.
Someone may have reacted badly. You might be scared that gossip will spread and more people will find out without you knowing. Do not panic. Seek the advice of local support services for young people or GLB services. These groups are eager to listen to the situation that you are in and help you as best they can. Each situation is unique so it is tricky to give advice that will help everyone. Remember that over time people will mature and become less ignorant. Time is a healer. Later on down the line you may have a completely new friendship group or you may have reunited with the people who have found it hard coming to terms with your sexuality. Do not lose faith in your friends at the first signs of a bad reaction. Listen to what they have to say and explain to them how you feel about it. If you are angry because they are not listening and being mature about what you are saying then tell them so. Try not to argue. Communication is all important.
This is why I think the term ‘coming out’ is often misleading. It suggests something of speed and imminence – a transition from one to the next stage. This is not what it is like. It is a process explaining and discovery for both you and the people you tell. It is not sudden and it need not be fast as you CAN have control over this. Be wise about it. Seek advice about it and most importantly be sure about it.Only registered users can write comments.
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Last Updated ( Wednesday, 31 May 2006 )
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so help please i dont know what to do shall i come out anyway i have to my sister and that gave me a boost shes fine with it and treats me like the sister she never had wierdly so anyone advice, help plz i need it 
