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Coming Out to Your Friends |
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Advice & information
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Page 2 of 3
Age Issues
 You may already be comfortable with your sexuality, however you’re likely to have fears about coming out. If you are particularly young (say 14/15 or under) you may wish to wait a while longer. Although many people know they are gay before the age of 14, some will doubt whether you are at all. Coming out at such a young age may be even harder than usual as young teenagers are not always sympathetic and understanding. The people around you may not be as grown up as you are.
What’s there to be scared of?
For once this is not a rhetorical question. Coming out is all about fear and anxiety. After all, if those two things were not important you’d not be reading this and I would never have written it.
Here are a few things people tend to be scared about.
• Being picked on or excluded
• Everyone finding out – losing control
• A bad reaction: homophobic etc.
• Losing friends or long term strife
• Feeling lonely
These are the sorts of fears that might be stopping you from coming out. It is important to asses your own situation and culture. If you know that in the past your friends have been explicitly homophobic then you will not want to come out to them. In this case coming out may make things worse.
Be selective about who and how you tell people. It’s best to start off telling one person who you are close to and trust. Make sure that they understand how you feel about your privacy. Doing this reduces the number of people who will know, it will stop gossip flooding around the place – you’ll be in complete control. If you are very selective then it is unlikely that you will be picked on or excluded because people know that you’re gay. If your first chosen person reacts well then they will be a wonderful point-of-call for advice about who you should tell next if they are in the same friendship group as you are.
Unsure? What if...
If you are unsure then we recommend that you do call your local GLB switch board or alternatively talk to people on this website (browse members, web forums or the chat room).  Every situation varies so this advice should not be taken as a definite sure-fire way to coming out as there is no winning formula.
Everyone would hope for a positive reaction straight away. But this may not always be the case. A lot of the time it is very hard to judge how people will react or are reacting – some say that the ambiguity and tension is part of the ‘coming out experience’. What I believe is most important is who in particular and how you come out to. After you have told them you should be able to go back to them and talk to them about it more if you feel when you need to. For me, the “who?” question is the most important.
You will have fears about coming out but act on your instincts. Do not concern yourself too much with questions that can’t be answered. Instead be pro-active and consider talking with someone from a GLB organization, counselling service (perhaps at school?) or on the web. Some of your fears are simply anxieties but some of them may not be. Rule out any real threat first by choosing a safe route....
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Last Updated ( Wednesday, 31 May 2006 )
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