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 I am sitting here today, a good month and a half after coming out to everyone who matters in my life and I am trying to think of a good idea for a new article. My first article was about my coming out, and it in itself was very therapeutic but very centralised. That part of my life right now is perfect, I no longer have to live in fear that someone is going to find out who the real me is. This also helps because now I can freely share things that had happened to me in the past, things that I am not exactly proud off.
In saying that I am not proud of them, I by no stretch of the imagination mean that I am ashamed of them. These things happened to me for many different reasons, some being impossible to change and others being more personal. I shall now revisit some of these bad times with you, and perhaps in doing so I will be able to collect them in a way that might even help me. My toes are already wet, so I suppose it is time to jump fully in the pool…
Contributed By Spencer Hale Edited By Rob Drummer I was sitting there in my room no less, and this friend of mine came to me with perhaps one of the most interesting propositions that I have ever heard in my whole entire life. This friend was a lovely boy whom had wasted his time hanging out with me. He was in what one could say the more ‘popular’ of groups and, as one knows, if you are in the popular groups you dare not associate with the likes of a person such as myself
“You sick piece of shit, you know I put up with your disgusting self and now I think it is time I get something in return. So, why don’t you go ahead and do what all fags do best.” He said, meaning I should give him a little bit of oral pleasure. “If you don’t do what you are told, then I am going to get you to do what all fags do second best…and you know what that is?”
I looked at him with a grim mixture of fear and astonishment. He continued, “That is bleed.”
I continued to stare fixedly into his eyes, searching desperately for some sign of sarcasm. Sadly the sarcasm never came. In my wisdom, I decided not to do what I was told and I am not quite sure why to this day but I decided to take the second option. I guess I figured it would be better to be humiliated publicly rather than bear the personal humiliation of degrading myself.
“No.” I said and with that one word he started his little dance with me that ended up giving me about three days out of school. This boy at least extended me the courtesy of unleashing his anger and frustration on me in areas were it would not be seen; whilst ensuring I would never have the ability to tell anyone of the "wondrous" things that had happened that night.
After that point in my life, as one could assume, I had a great self image. I would look in the mirror and see nothing more then a person whose purpose on earth was to either give pleasure, or be beaten. I love the way a mind works; how it seems to be your friend but can also manifest as your worse enemy.
Nevertheless I trudged through the thick and rather dark swamp that was my time in high school. I would go on, and I would try to make the very best of it. All this time though I searched for people that I thought would be able to give me back the love that was taken from me that faithful night. It seemed as though no matter how hard I searched, the only thing that was available for me was that little instance of "tough love".
One boy in particular made sure that this tough love was presented on a silver platter, garnished with my self hate, pity and desperation. This great feast happened one day during grade eleven: the table was nothing more than a dashboard, and my waiter was a husky, manly boy, whom I thought loved me.
We were out one day for a drive in his truck, it so happened that he was heading off to work and it was common knowledge that he was going to take me home. He was sitting there, being his usual loving self, commenting on how stupid I was and how he had no idea why he was with me. It really was the perfect high school love affair. So…he decided that before he went off to work, he needed a little relief.
“You know sweat pea, I am feeling a little tense and I sure would love for you to send me off in a good way.” He said looking at me with his usual vacuous stare.
“Send you off?” I asked him, hoping that the answer that was already in my head was wrong.
“Yes,” he continued, “you know, I am feeling a little tense. I just don’t want to have to feel like this anymore. Especially at work, you know how it is.”
“But hun, I mean. I really want to wait.” I was not wrong in my assumption. “I mean, I love you and I want it to be someplace and sometime a lot better then this.”
“What?” He asked me, with a glare of hatred and confusion in his eyes.
“Well I thought….”
He came at me, “Well you thought wrong then. What do you think I keep you around for anyway? It is definitely not for your personality, and well…, it is definitely not your looks. You’re cute and all but not exactly full time material.”
“But….I thought….”
“Wrong again there cutie. Now, please do not make me do this. You know I don’t like to hit you, it is just that you can be so damn annoying.”
He raised his fist and opened up his crotch unto the empty cold void that was now in the cabin of this truck. I looked at him and I knew he meant what he was saying, and at that moment I realized perhaps I should do as I was told. It was not out of love that I decided this, but out of the fact that realistic view towards S.T.D.'s were in my mind, and one knows that you can never really tell who has them and who does not.
Most people know that when you have sex, of the oral variety that there tends to be something that ends up in you. Now I knew that if I was to ingest whatever was in it, I could easily get the very diseases that I did not want. The only hitch in my plan was that this boy did not think it would be the best if I was not to ingest, in fact he asked me in his usual way to be good and not do what all the other did.
“If you really love me you’ll take whatever I give you.” he said.
I had to come up with a plan, and quick. So I decided to satisfy his request of me, and to satisfy my own agenda that I would have to keep it on my person. So the ride back home was spent with few words spoken, and even fewer breaths taken. Breathing though your nose for such a long time is quite a feat I believe.
I got home, he let me go, and I never spoke to him again. I think it was the fact that I was too worried I would end up doing something stupid, and this time I perhaps would get a lot more punishment than I did in the preceding case. This boy and I parted ways and I was left yet again to pick myself up of the floor where I had been placed.
I suppose one could say that my life has not been a bowl of sunshine, but then again, most people have bad experiences. I still to this very day am somewhat unaffectionate ... for reasons that really make no sense. I suppose I am scared to leave myself open for a little more tough love. Sadly, this also left me closed to the other form of love. I think I am doing alright, and I think that maybe the day will come when I will be able to forget all of this, and forgive myself for the things I had done. For now, I am just happy making through the day.
Just being happy to make it through the day, that was exactly my thoughts as I finished writing this piece. That was also the exact way I thought before I decided to bite the bullet and tell some of my closest friends and family. I am glad now that I think about it, that I had the option and freedom to share this information with these people. Keeping something so explosive bottled up inside tends to only make things worse.
I do not want to sit here and tell you that you can get a feeling such as this off of your chest, in fact it will always be a part of you. You will never be able to forget what happened, and you will never be able to escape the fact that something of this kind happened to you. If I was to sit here and tell you that I no longer think about it, and it no longer affects me, I would not be telling the gospel truth. It still affects me, and very deeply for that matter. Nevertheless as I stand right now, it no longer has control over my life.
I can now easily show love and affection, something that took me a very long time to be able to do. I can show these things because I realise that they are in no way related to the things that had happened to me in the past. Those were not out of love, they weren’t even out of interest. They were out of fear and depression.
As I see it now these people who had done these things to me were perhaps just as unlucky as I was, and now even more so. To have such insecurities about themselves that they have to degrade others in order to feel complete must be something horrid to live with. To have to go throughout life with the constant need of dominance hanging above you is something that I would not wish upon any friend nor foe. To hate who you are so much that you need to fill you whole entire life hating others as a distraction is far worse then any other punishment I can think of.
I can now get up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror and not see a person who is meant to be used, who is not meant to be beaten. I see a person who was dealt a bad hand, and a person who can overcome that bad hand and perhaps gain back what he had lost. Those cards are now in my back pocket, I feel them, and at all times I know they are there. I just no longer hold on to them so tightly. If you have been affected by homophobic bullying in High School or anywhere then do not be scared to talk to someone you trust. Bullying is wrong and often theconsequences that are the direct cause of verbal and physical abuse can be alleviated when you open up to another person. Do not simply accept your fate, nobody should ever mistreat you for being yourself, sexuality is not a crime nor is it controllable, if we are ever going to succeed in integration and equality we must start with the bullying in schools that so many LGBT youths face on a daily basis. If you are unable to talk face to face with someone then please get in touch with us here at the GYC and we can forward on the contact details of those who can. Do not suffer in silence. All the Best, The GYC Team Only registered users can write comments.
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But...I had no b/fs and that I was sad and depressed...but anyways...I think schools should be able to read this documentation!! I think that would help stop the bullying in the schools!! I liked it!!~~ 8
im emotionally number as of right now
