My mom threatened to throw me out of the house today, due to my refusing to wash a basin full of dishes; she even got my dad involved (they both tend to act irrationally and erratically). They are calling social services tomorrow, and are throwing everything of mine away except the bare essentials. My mother announced this after she knocked me down and hit me in the chest twice with her crutch (she just had corrective foot surgery, and still has the energy to bum rush me).
All I have is 5 pairs of jeans, 7 clearance rack shirts, 7 pairs of socks, two pairs of shoes, a lumpy mattress, a roof over my head, and this laptop to begin with. No PSP, toys, video games, no normal things that people my age have. And, I earned the money for the laptop myself through ebay restocking. I have straight A’s in all my integrated honors classes (highest you can go, a step above regular honors), work my ass off, and come home tiered after 3 hours of swimming and run 5 miles. Then, I start my usual 4-6 hours of homework I get every night.
When I was in the middle of making my Julius Caesar power point presentation, my mother called me in her usual deep, whiny voice to summon me to wash a sink of dishes. My sister, sitting around on her fat, brownnosing ass as usual, is almost 10, fully capable of loading one of the two dishwashers we have in the house. No sharp knives in the sink, only scores of plates, silverware and various other eating utensils that my mother demanded I wash that instant (out of about 100 pieces of dirty kitchenware, only a plate and fork I used to make myself a chicken tortilla the previous night). I refused to wash the dishes right then and there, I wouldn’t be able to finish my homework before the 10:00pm bedtime she sets for me and strictly enforces with harsh and unfair punishments.
I needed every minute I could get, I didn’t want to cut into the 4 hours of sleep I get every night any more than I had to. I kindly offered to place the dishes in the dishwasher, or to wash them after I was done with my homework, but that wasn’t good enough. She sent me into the recreation room (which she converted into her own personal gym, not to be used by anyone), and told me she’d call me upstairs when my dad got home. I really don’t want to see him, he is a 250lb log that will crash upon me once he hears my mother’s terrible, exaggerated and quite fictional version of what really happened (she’s now saying I assaulted my sister, because I accidentally opened the dishwasher and the padded end of my mom’s super light aluminum crutches fell and hit her on her salient buttocks. She ran off, pretending to cry, smiling at me with a malevolent and surprisingly toothy grin all the way).
Well, they’re throwing me out tomorrow for being “too much of a burden on the family” (can you tell they really wanted a girl as their first born, they told me so. They treat me like scum and tell me they can’t wait for me to leave; they’ve found a way to quicken the four years they are still legally responsible for me, they are requesting a divorce, but can’t until I’m 16. So, they are deciding between Covenant House, CSS, the home for wayward boys, or putting me up for adoption. I have tried to make their lives so easy, hoping they’d like me more, ever since I was seven; my dad doesn’t mind me, but my mother’s influence pushes him toward her anti-Brian view. I almost died of a nasty case of sleep apnea when I was a baby; I wonder why they took me to the hospital to save my life if they could have gotten rid of their god forsaken baby boy much faster. It would have saved them a hell of a lot of trouble.
Hence, I may not leave many blog entries if my parents do make the decision to give me up (or kick me to the curb in this case). I refuse to wash one load of dishes by hand, and they kick me out. I haven’t caused them any problems, I try to make them proud with my impeccable behavior and grades, I know several people (some of them including family friends, relatives, some of the parents of my old friends, etc). I am smart, athletic, funny, witty, respectful (when respect is given), whatever I require I purchase with the money I make honestly online during my extremely limited free time… If my parents act this way over dishes, how will they act once I tell them I am gay. They’ll probably like me better, I’d be closer to a girl… No, my mother would beat my ass up, kick me out the door, and dropkick my few possessions out into the streets along with $5 tucked into a “good luck with life" card.
My mother, about a week ago, my mother was enraged as usual, because of my trying to loose weight. I have dropped 45lbs in 4 months, take all the precautions (nutritional supplements/vitamins, meat, some carbohydrates, etc.), eating a balanced diet in such a way as to loose weight. I got active and watched my calories, and achieved a fairly decent looking body in 4 months, after 13 years of being a fat ass. Just because I am fit, and am no longer overweight, she gets angry at me. I refused to eat her fried chicken, coleslaw, biscuits or baking. She hardly ever cooked, just left some greasy nourishment in the fridge. I went out of my way to eat healthily, and now have a BMI of 17. She called me anorexic, saying that I was tearing the family apart (like we were together in the first place), and threatening to put me outside.
Well, at least one good thing happened today… Cody and I were talking about parents, he asked me if mine were divorced. I replied “No, they’ve been married miserably for 17 years.” He laughed, called me a silly goose, and we hopped into the pool. We did our 300yd warm-up, I was looking at him, loving everything I saw and heard. He too comes from a dysfunctional family like mine, and is now in a foster family. Anyway, we swam underwater, laughing and waving, and talking in between swims. He flipped me the bird once underwater, but in a weird, friendly way. We came to the surface, laughing. I love him so much, our interactions used to be painfully awkward (for me anyway), but now it’s almost like we’re one, we can relate on so many different levels. My absolute favorite thing is when we are in the pool, between laps, floating close to each other, sometimes gently touching… Or, when we are hanging off the edge of the deep end of the pool, and we start to talk, only 6 inches away from each other (It takes a lot of effort and self restraint to avoid throwing my arms around his neck and having a good kissing session). I get a boner every time… Talking and being around him feels natural, like I can be myself, and still have someone to talk to; just being in his presence lifts life’s woes and despairs, my problems melt away. I love him so much, I was going to tell him the other day, and still feel I should. But, I am afraid what will become of our friendship if things don’t work out. Some may call that fear of commitment or rejection, but I don’t want to loose him, he means the world to me, he’s the one thing in life I enjoy interacting with. Every time I pass him, my stomach jumps… He smiles gleaming, and greets me with a cheerful “Hi Brian!” I respond, but spend the rest of the day dreaming of him. I know this isn’t a crush, crushes come and go; I’ve felt like this for three years, I just can’t get my mind off of him. I don’t even think about sex, I just want to be around him all the time, just want to talk, maybe go out on a date or something. Sex didn’t even occur to me until I started doing a little internet research on what being gay meant. All I want from him is his time, thought and maybe a kiss.
Anyway, I have to get my beauty sleep in this freezing cold workout room to look pretty for Cody. For those who have had the patience to plough through this lengthy blog, I thank you for taking the time. Please feel free and encouraged to respond to this in any way you please, it would be appreciated. Thank you and god bless,
-Brian
A short poem I dedicate to my beloved Cody...
Only you...
Only of you do my thoughts wonder
Only to you goes true love's first kiss
Only to you do I give my heart glady
Every moment with you 'tis love's bittersweet bliss
-A sucky poem written during 6th period Algebra II
My mom threatened to throw me out of the house today, due to my refusing to wash a basin full of dishes; she even got my dad involved (they both tend to act irrationally and erratically). They are calling social services tomorrow, and are throwing everything of mine away except the bare essentials. My mother announced this after she knocked me down and hit me in the chest twice with her crutch (she just had corrective foot surgery, and still has the energy to bum rush me). 
