How GLBT persons can Shift
You have heard people laugh and say, “Wouldn’t it be great if every GLBT person turned purple?” as if that would allow us to exclaim “Free at last!” Yes, “easy” is how we like it in our society. If you turned purple (GLBT), however, you would still have to deal with your own internal homophobia/homonegativity and transphobia/transnegativity that continues to lurk just beneath the surface. How do you know? Test yourself against the myths that keep you silent. Many of you have not only heard them, but you believe them.
How does your remaining silent and hiding who you are reflect the last vestiges of shame that stalks you individually and our community as a whole? How does your lack of honesty and openness possibly create distrust with people?
Many of the myths feed the erroneous information, and enable you and
others to stay in stuck places. Debunking myths encourages you to
transform yourself, allowing others the space to shift as well.
Naming these myths is like confronting one’s abuser. It causes us to
ponder our fear and ask, "Did this really happen?" Naming them and
claiming them as you document their existence makes you realize the
absurdity of giving them power.
Myth #1: Your “lifestyle” is nobody’s business.
False…
First
and foremost, people’s sexual orientation/gender variance has been
erroneously “co-opted” as a “lifestyle.” The phrase continues to be
used in our society, and sometimes within our own community. The
dictionary definition of the word “lifestyle,” however, helps us to
understand why the term is a misnomer. People use this word to
denigrate the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community).
life·style also life-style or life style
n. A way of life or style of living that reflects the attitudes and
values of a person or group: “It was a millionaire's lifestyle on the
pocketbook of a hairdresser” (People).
Usage Note: When lifestyle became popular a generation ago, a number of
critics objected to it as voguish and superficial, perhaps because it
appeared to elevate habits of consumption, dress, and recreation to
categories in a system of social classification. Nonetheless, the word
has proved durable and useful, if only because such categories do in
fact figure importantly in the schemes that Americans commonly invoke
when explaining social values and behavior, as in Rachel Brownstein's
remark that “an anticonventional lifestyle is no sure sign of feminist
politics, or indeed, of any politics at all.” Fifty-three percent of
the Usage Panel accepts the word in Bohemian attitudes toward
conventional society have been outstripped and outdated by the
lifestyles of millions of young people. An even greater number fully 70
percent accepts the word in Salaries in the Bay Area may be higher, but
it may cost employees as much as 30 percent more to maintain their
lifestyles, where the context requires a term that implies
categorization based on habits of consumption.
[Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language,
Fourth Edition. Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Published
by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
The above definition illuminates the incongruence of the word
“lifestyle” as applied to GLBT persons. The definition helps us clarify
and understand the distinction between the word “lifestyle” and its
misappropriated connection and reference to sexual orientation and/or
gender identity/gender expression. Lifestyle is defined as (n) : a
manner of living that reflects the person's values and attitudes.
Human sexual orientation and/or gender identity/gender expression is
neither a "value" nor an "attitude." Neither a “homosexual lifestyle”
nor a “heterosexual lifestyle” exists. In our society, however, while
one hears reference to a “homosexual lifestyle,” one does not hear
reference to a “heterosexual lifestyle.” It is the “homosexual
lifestyle” that is used as a derogatory term, allowing people to
denigrate persons who are gay and lesbian, calling their “lifestyle” a
threat to family values. The reality is that how one chooses to live
out their human sexual orientation, (whether that is homosexual or
heterosexual), or their gender identity/expression, in terms of being
“open, in the closet, monogamous, promiscuous, etc.” would be the
"lifestyle." Those choices represent a “value” or “attitude” consistent
with the term “lifestyle.”
Referring to GLBT persons as a “lifestyle” allows people to push away
and discount the individuals within our community. It leads to
misunderstanding the lives and relationships of homosexual, bisexual,
transgender, intersex, queer and questioning persons and who they are,
as well as who they love. Referral by the GLBT community to ourselves
as a “lifestyle” disconnects us from who we are and communicates shame,
as if being GLBT is something to “overcome” rather than a gift to be
celebrated.
Myth #2: Let people get to know you first before you "come out" to
them as GLBT. Otherwise, it might create a barrier and they may never
choose to get to know you.
False …
Allow
people to get to know the "real you" from the beginning. Otherwise,
people (consciously or unconsciously) feel they have been deceived, and
there is a breach of trust which has to be repaired. Those who will
create a barrier because of knowing the “authentic you”, will probably
find a way to create a barrier anyway due to their own fears. Quit
being someone you are not so others will like and accept you. Claim
the value of who you are, and allow others to appreciate you. There is
more empowerment for being rejected for who you are, than being valued
and respected for who you are not.
Myth #3: Respect other people's wishes and don't "push it in their faces."
False …
The
“it” they are referring to is you being GLBT, queer or questioning.
You, however, are not an “it.” Heterosexual people or mixed gender
couples, however, don’t follow their own advice. The things they are
referring to (such as holding hands with your same gender partner, or
talking about your partner or person you are dating, etc.) are the same
things they allow themselves to do without claiming they are “pushing
it in their faces.” Being real and who you are isn't pushing "it" in
their faces. Why? First of all, because none of us are an "it." You
are a human being with human feelings, wanting to create authentic
connections with other people, just like them. Refuse to allow them to
demonize and invalidate your valid and healthy feelings, emotions, and
behaviors.
Refuse to participate in “don’t ask/don’t tell policies.” If you do,
you are an accomplice in the dysfunction within our society about GLBT
persons. Your silence is part of the problem, and enables the toxicity
that poisons you. Become part of the solution by standing up and
speaking out, and claiming and living your authentic life!
Myth #4: No one in their right mind would choose to be gay or transgender.
False …
Why
not? Some of the most creative people in the world are gay or
transgender. Being either is a gift. Ask yourself, “If I were not gay
or transgender, who would I be? What would my life be like?” When I
ask myself the question about whether or not I would choose to be gay,
my answer is a resounding “YES!” Being gay is a gift that enables me
to be more fully alive and connected to others, as well as more
compassionate regarding our differences.
Myth #5: Not sharing your authentic life (with the people your
parents don’t want you to tell) is a way of respecting your parents and
family.
False …
Consider
that NOT sharing your authentic life with the people you love is
disrespectful. YOU are a gift…Act like it! To keep a gift from others
is selfish. Remaining silent about whom you are holds you in fear.
It also keeps both you and the other person from the opportunity to
grow.
Myth #6: Holding hands or showing affection with my partner in front
of my family/friends/others is taboo because it makes them feel
uncomfortable.
False …
You
are not responsible for how others feel simply because of being who you
are. Sharing appropriate affection with the person you love…yes, even
in front of others…is not only ok, but it is encouraging and inspiring
for anyone to witness. Love offers ways of expanding; fear contracts.
Which one sounds more empowering to you?
Myth # 7: The problem is others' acceptance of us. If they would
understand us and accept us, laws would change and our lives would be
different.
False...
"Others"
are not the problem. We are. Our own community continues to enable us
to our own dysfunction. When people "know" a GLBT person (this means
that there is conscious awareness through being in authentic
relationship with one another), people are more likely to vote in favor
or laws and benefits that offer equality and justice for our community.
The research of Harris Interactive indicates, however, that only 4% of
us are "out," in every situation, meaning that only 4% of us are living
authentic lives. It is not rocket science. Ask yourself, "Who has the
power to create change? "You" or "Them." Obviously it you YOU and
US. Together, we can create change in our world through living as the
gift of who we are.
Myth #8: Homosexuality is a sin, and the Bible condemns homosexuality.
False …
There
are many theologians who do not support the theory that the Bible
condemns homosexuality. The belief of some people that this is true
does not make it true. It makes it their belief. Do your homework if
this topic is of interest to you. Go to this link to read Rev. Dr.
Lisa Davison’s What the Bible Says/Doesn’t Say about Homosexuality.
Also, go to this link to read about recommended books that address
this topic. Dare to delve deeply into creating a new understanding so
that you can discern for yourself what is true/not true, rather than
what others tell you is true/not true.
Myth #9: You will lose everything (involvement with church, friends,
relations with family) if you come out of the closet as GLBT, so it
would be best to remain silent and hidden.
False …Far from losing everything, the untold truth is that the gains,
in terms of personal integrity and freedom, are far greater than the
risks and consequences that we most fear. You begin to recognize the
value for being who you truly are, rather than who people think you
are. Although some friendships MAY be changed or lost, the ones that
remain become deeper friendships because the walls that have created an
invisible barrier dissolve. What do you gain if the love you receive
from others is based on who you are not?
Myth #10: There’s something wrong with you if you’re gay or transgender. You’re not normal. You are disordered.
False …
There’s
nothing wrong with you. Act like you believe it. Name the emotions
you feel, claim the emotions that you feel, and let the ones go that no
longer empower you in your life. Commit to living your life with the
utmost authenticity at all times. When you find yourself doing
otherwise, check in with yourself and be willing to discover what is
stopping you. Be completely honest and look at your part in any
charade you are playing, and why you are playing it. Seek to
understand why you are willing to enable those who would imprison you
with their thinking. What emotions are beneath your actions?
Myth #11: Being GLBT and a person of faith (Christian, Jewish, Muslim,
or whatever faith) is an oxymoron. If you are gay or transgender, you
aren’t right with “God.”
False …
If
you are a person of faith, being anyone other than who you truly are
will keep you separated from the divine energy, whether that is God,
Allah, or whoever to you. There is nothing that empowers a person’s
spiritual faith more than experiencing total integration between one’s
spirituality, sexuality and gender. This applies whether you are
heterosexual or homosexual, regardless of your gender.
Myth #12: You will only be happy if you are in a heterosexual relationship.
False...
A
12 year study at The Gottman Institute in Seattle, WA, made some
interesting discoveries. Their website says, "Using state-of-the-art
methods while studying 21 gay and 21 lesbian couples, Dr. John Gottman
(University of Washington) and Dr. Robert Levenson (University of
California at Berkeley) have learned what makes same-sex relationships
succeed or fail.
One key result: Overall, relationship satisfaction and quality are
about the same across all couple types (straight, gay, lesbian) that
Dr. Gottman has studied. This result supports prior research by
Lawrence Kurdek and Pepper Schwartz: They find that gay and lesbian
relationships are comparable to straight relationships in many ways."
Click here to read the synopsis of that research.
If you are a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender person, know that
you are capable of having as good, or bad, relationship as any
“traditional relationship.” It is up to you, not family and/or
society, to determine whether or not you can have a dynamic and
empowering relationship.
Myth #13: Children do better when they are raised in a “traditional” home with “married” parents.
False...The truth is, the “traditional” definition of family (married
heterosexual couple with 1.5 children) is only one of the many family
structures that our country’s children are born into or currently being
raised in. Studies have shown that the presence of a married father and
mother is not a prerequisite to positive outcomes for children. Click
here for entire article by Jennifer Chrisler, the executive director of
Family Pride, the only national not-for-profit organization exclusively
dedicated to securing equality for LGBT parents and their families.
If you want children, do whatever it takes to create your own family!
Ask yourself this question: Is the way I am living my life empowering
me? If the answer is "no," then it is time to begin living life in a
way that does empower you.
Note: This article originally started out with 10 myths. Dotti continues to add to this "list of myths" as we go along.
© Dotti Berry, 2005
Dotti Berry, "out before Ellen was in," has over 30 years of experience as an entrepreneur, consultant, trainer, and coach. She has facilitated leadership programs and dynamic workshops in relationship, self-awareness, authentic connections and undefended love, diversity, non-violent process and sexuality. She has a master's degree in education, and is finishing her doctorate in human sexuality. You can reach her at
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Visit her website, GLBT Coach.
Dotti and her spouse, Robynne Sapp, recently completed their year-long journey, Gay Into Straight America, committed to engaging hearts and minds, creating authentic connections, and dissolving differences that separate us. Gay Into Straight America, was the initial project of their non-profit, Stand UP Speak Out.
Discover how to become a Stand UP Speak OUT Wind Changer. Take the Stand UP Speak OUT Challenge
They were legally married March 7, 2004, in Portland, Oregon. Their spiritual ceremony was July 31, 2004. Click here for their story.
You can contact them at:
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