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Sunday, 24 September 2006 |
 It is inevitable. We are all aging and grow older both physically and mentally with every day we spend on this planet. With each encounter and experience we evolve as individuals and as members of society. From an early age we are given our moral code and as we age we test the boundaries of that code. As a part of “growing up” we are destined to make mistakes and stumble at the occasional hurdle. Never is this development more crazed and complicated than throughout your teens and early adulthood. The choices we make in our late teens, although we may not accept it, do determine our futures.
With all of these decisions to make we often look to those older than us for guidance and reassurance that we are making the right choices. However, as a gay youth some of these decisions are vital to having a healthy sense of self and those older than us, although seemingly good role models may not always have our best interests at heart. Therefore, can a gay man perhaps twice your age be fully trusted to have your best interests at heart?
Gay culture is perhaps going through the early stages of a Renaissance and especially with the steps already taken towards a better sense of equality something of a change is in motion. To be a young gay person right now is very exciting. We very much are the children of the next revolution. However, interestingly enough we are achieving our goals without there having to be any real revolutionary attitudes. With the gradual liberalisation of perspectives towards homosexuality and growing appreciation for gay rights by members of wider society it is fair to say that to be a gay youth now is a whole lot better than those of previous generations.
However, due to the very existence of a gay “scene” where all factions and members of gay society can freely socialise and mingle with each other we often meet and experience gay men and women who had a very different experience of growing up. Often young gay men and women desire acceptance as part of the “crowd” so much that they can sometimes be blind to the advances of older men with only one desire in mind. Whereas we, as gay men are still trying to shake off the labels invented in the nineteen eighties; those of the community that wore such labels due to such events as the AIDS epidemic perhaps carry something of a different attitude towards life.
When considered alongside the issue of ageing and the desire to maintain youth, younger men on the gay scene can often be seen merely as objects of lust and preyed upon for sex alone. This may of course not seem apparent when an older, professional looking man is buying you drinks and showering you with affection in a bar or club, however, caution should be exercised. Obviously it is so important to diversify your perspectives and attitudes towards life, but always consider why a man is showing interest and never feel obliged to go along with anything you are not comfortable with.
Without being overly cynical, a man of 32 is not going to be looking for a long term relationship with a 16 or 17 year old. Yes, there is nothing wrong with consensual sex between two people of reasonable age difference. However, perhaps consider the potential emotional damage that involving yourself with someone a lot older than you could do. For example if you were to stop returning the “affections” of an older man it is probable that he is going to experience feelings of inadequacy and will most likely assume that it is his age that is unattractive. This can lead to a general contempt and threatening tone towards you. For example, I have known of an older man threatening to “out” a sixteen year old to his parents after he wanted to put a stop to the casual arrangement they kept.
There is a balance that needs to be struck between recognising those people who are interested in you for everything you are and who wish to develop a relationship with you and then those who are merely attracted to your youth. Especially on the gay scene where youth can be your greatest asset in a bar or a club and although exciting, the excitement is tinged with an element of threat. Whilst you are developing as an individual it is important to reference the experiences of those older than you, but always remember that these experiences were the product of a different time with very different experiences of growing up.
Obviously, as soon as you grow comfortable within your own skin you are able to act from the solid base you have created. With growing confidence and an awareness of the gay scene it becomes possible to engage people of all ages and sub factions of the gay community, attraction is of course not universal however sometimes what may seem to be true affection can be the masquerade of something very different. The best rule to work to is to always be confident and aware and surround yourself with good friends whom you trust and feel relaxed around so that you can engage others without being threatened. Never feel obliged to return affections simply if you are being flattered by attention and always respect your own instincts.
With this in mind I am not damning all older gay men as predatory but simply highlighting how there can be a correlation between the affection lavished on gay men and their age. We are of course one day too going to be past thirty and still frequenting bars and perhaps then we also shall admire youth. However, there is a distinction between admiration from a distance and then empty affection in order to prolong a youthful feeling once waistlines have expanded and bodies begin to relax in the wrong places. Be aware but don’t be afraid to grow at your own speed and experience what you are ready to experience but do be mindful of the (age) gap.
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