The Gay Youth Corner - A Letter To My Gay Son

A Letter To My Gay Son

Advice & information - Gay Family Stories

Written by Nanette - Sourced from gayfamilysupport.com

Being your mother has been an exquisite joy and a delight, well, for 99% of the time – as has being the mother of your siblings, but you, my son were somebody different.

I remember that even as a very small child we described you as being the one who marched to the tune of the different drum.
From the time of your premature birth, you were the impatient one, the one who needed everything – from nappy changing to bottle feeding – to be given immediate attention.

So, I suppose because you were such a tiny demanding little scrap of humanity, I attended to your every needs, and I suppose that created a very strong bond between us.

I remember such beautiful moments in your childhood, and all the little milestones which are woven into the tapestry of our family experience, the little grace notes which have given color and beauty to our lives.

I remember you as alittle boy playing on the beach at Port Arlington, making sandcastles and wearing, as all sun safety aware children should, a rather large sun hat…but with a difference. Whilst for the other little kids on the beach, toweling hats were de rigeur you shunned the terry toweling hat for a large coolie type straw hat from the pointed crown of which bobbed a purple butterfly.

I have memories of you playing dress ups in dolly corner at kindergarten, hosting little tea parties whilst your twin brother Fergus swung from the monkey bars. You were the one whose work was embellished with ornate “extras”, who fashioned the most spectacular “Easter bonnets” and who always gave an extra present for a special occasion.

Of course, we are a very normal family, what ever the definition of normal family might be, and we had our fights and arguments, and yelling sessions followed by slamming of doors, and the accusation that I was a pretty horrible sort of mother who never did nor ever would understand whatever it was that was the center of the disagreement.

Your face would be very red and contorted with anger,and with a stamping of the foot you would yell at me that “It’s just not fair” on the occasions when you did not get your way. And in your eyes no body had a mother as mean and rotten as I was.

During your adolescence you became rather withdrawn, and would lock yourself away in your bedroom after you had returned home from school, the only indication of your presence being songs of Kylie Minogue emanating from your bedroom at about 400,000 decibels.

You did your homework, ate your dinner, and spent hours on the phone with your friend Steven. I was so worried about you. Fergus seemed to have an abundance of friends, whilst for you, Steven seemed to be the only friend you had made, and he was a very solitary introverted boy.. precisely the kind of person I saw you becoming.

And you never participated in the social activities of your school whilst with Fergus I almost needed to make an appointment to see him such was the extent of his extra curricular activities.

All of these were among the images which I had on the October evening in 1992, when you felt that you could no longer hide your different sexuality from us.

That night is deeply etched in my mind,so deeply engraved that if I close my eyes now, I can see the events unfolding with such clarity, the whole experience is uncanny. I see you crying, I see you hugging yourself coiled into an almost foetal position, your father discarding his newspaper to hug you, and I…well you never imagine how deeply inadequate I felt.

I know that I was crying, I know that I felt the release of many butterflies in my stomach, I know that I felt an almost overwhelming sense of relief that my suspicions were confirmed, and that I had answers for the many questions which had been plaguing me for a long, long time.

It was my sense of bewilderment and inadequacy that I found to be the most difficult with which to deal. I was the Mother, the one who always had the answers to your questions, the one to whom you had turned when you were sick or in pain, the one who had always “Kissed it better”, a teacher if you like, a nurturer.

And I had failed you – for you had to battle all the hostilities vented against you during your school days all by yourself with no family support, and I found that very hard to accept. But basically, I who should have known so much actually knew very little about being gay, and the little which I did know was a mish mash of myths and stereotypes and misconceptions.

But I had many wonderful and happy memories to sustain me when times became just a little bleak, and for the times when I was repeating like a mantra “I’ll wake up and this will all be a dream”. In many ways, I found that my life as a mother had not prepared me for this new knowledge, and I knew that the situation needed to be rectified. I suppose, like most parents of my particular generation and religious background, I assumed that your lives would pretty much replicate your father’s and mine.

I certainly never thought a great deal about differing sexual orientations, nor did it ever occur to me that none of us sets out to design our sexuality, we simply are who we are. And now I realize that is a wonderful and very beautiful thing.

I think that in many ways our positions became reversed after your coming out. I took all my questions to you, and not only did you provide me with answers, but you gave me books to read and most importantly you introduced me to your friends.

For these things I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Actually, there is much for which to thank you. For your honesty and your trust in us, your family, I am truly grateful.

For leading me to PFLAG, well that has been a life changing experience. Even the insignificant little pieces of knowledge, eg not all gay men are to be found in the performing arts, or hairdressing salons or florist shops, have added to my improvement growth.

Your coming out was the beginning of a different phase in both our lives, we became very open and I suppose unafraid with each other.

Although I have to admit in the early days my questions were far too intrusive and impertinent, and you very smartly put me back in my place. And that was exactly as things should have been.

In my work with PFLAG I have heard so many times the confusion of parents who mistake sexual identity and sexual activity.

You have heard me say on so many occasions, that my very favorite quotation is one by an American mother who stated that her gay son “took her by the hand and became a bridge to that place where her sensibilities were enlarged”.

That, my dear, has been my experience too, although I must add also, that not only have my sensibilities been enlarged, but my spirit has been uplifted by the many magnificent gay men and lesbians whom I would never have been privileged to know if you had not “come out” to us.

Through moving around in the gay and lesbian community I have met many of the people who would fit Armistead Maupin’s description as people of “passion and kindness and sensitivity…who have provided a constant source of strength” and by the way I think that you could add to that list dignity and courage.

And after all these years I have to agree with you that “it isn’t fair!” completely unfair that people like yourself, fine good people must face discrimination from people who do not know you and to whom you have done no harm, from religious leaders who preach a gospel of love, but who practice something entirely different, from politicians who rely on your taxes and contributions for the running of this country and who refuse to give legal status to long term same sex relationships; from people who call you sick and disgusting and who condemn you for persuing your so called lifestyle, who insist that this lifestyle should be lived out in complete silence and virtual invisibility..

It’s now my turn to get a bit red in the face, stamp my foot and yell IT SIMPLY IS NOT FAIR.

But now you have met your soul mate, the some one special to whom you have chosen to publicly commit your life.

In the rings which you and Tim exchanged is an engraving which states the way in which your lives are now complete because of the love which you share.

You are happy in the way I have always hoped and dreamed you would be, there is a serenity in your life, that I, ever the romantic, believe comes from loving and being loved in return, and because of this happiness in your life I, too, am happy, contented and complete.

With all my love to you and to my new son, Tim.

Your mother, Nanette R. McGregor. Australia

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20-09-2009 12:56

This letter is so emotional i cried for hours on end, it made me feel so idiotic, like im living a lie, I feel so sorry for my mum shes such a loving women, and i just cant bring myself to tell her im gay, my dad would hate me, hes often told me, if one of his sons were gay, they wouldnt be one oif his. :cry

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