I'm Glad I Did

I guess I'm lucky. From Year 5 people have been making fun of me, calling me gay. My answer to that was always 'Takes one to know one' and, thinking about it, that statement implied that I actually was, and they knew. It strikes me as odd that they knew I was gay and I didn't. I began to find to the end of year 7. I tried to ignore it. I knew what people said. 'It's just a phase, it'll pass.' But it didn't. And I loved it. I loved the turn on I got when getting unchanged for PE. I lasted being secretly gay until the end of year 9. There was this guy, who was in year 7 and he was openly gay. It was house choir, three days before the end of the school year and someone came up to him and asked him whether he was, to which he replied yes. Being his friend, I told him that I was really pleased for him, being able to talk so openly to strangers. I had always believed other people thought it was wrong. I had myself never thought of telling anyone else, it seemed pointless then. But right then I wanted to tell someone. I wanted someone to know and for someone to care and understand. So I told him, there and then. He was the first person I told. And I knew exactly who I wanted to tell next. A year ago my best friend had told me he was bi. I had told him that I understand and I don't mind. I didn't ever think of letting on my secret to him. Until right then. I couldn't wait to tell him. Being bi, I knew he'd understand. I arranged with him what time we were both going. And while we were there, I told him. I played it up to be a really big thing. I thought it was. He told me he was pleased for me. A few days later he told me he loved me, but that's another story. We had a fantastic holiday, and I don't believe I've ever felt so secure with anyone before. We seemed to have a special bond. These sentences all have two meanings so I'll stop them now. However all through the holiday I couldn't wait to get back to school. I knew exactly who I would tell next. I told my other best friend, Beth, once again taking it over the top. I told her and she was pleased for me. And from then on, Beth has become my rock on this matter, my firm foundations off which I took many jumps. She advised me to tell my other best friends, and eventually I got round to telling them all. Rachel, Lewis, Michael, Laura, Gwen and Robyn. I told them all and they all were successful. I told other people too. For a week I told about 5 people a day. I felt so ecstatic. I felt so alive. However, then came the big punch-line. One of the people I told started telling other people. He managed to tell about two other people before I gave a damn. It was a Thursday. I can't remember the exact date, but I can find out after I've written this. Thursday was the day I came completely out to everyone in my school. It was the final lesson and I had about half of my drama class asking me whether I was gay, and I denied none of them. No going back now. I was out. And I felt fantastic. By the next day it was the biggest story in school. The biggest piece of gossip. And guess how many people had a problem with that? One. Only one! Out of my year of 155. My school of over 1000. And he got stick from everyone afterwards! I felt fantastic. I felt on top of the world! Every Saturday I would see my dad in the morning and that Saturday I was feeling very elated. Somehow the subject of our conversation turned to homosexuality, don't ask me why. And my dad was being negative about it. And my dad grew silent as I defended his comments of it being unnatural. To be honest, I think he suspected it. He didn't want to talk about it. I never told him I was gay. But somehow he knew and my words were twisted around that idea. Well, obviously, things were going very fast for me. I'd come out to my whole school. I'd told my father before I'd wanted to. Way too fast. Over the next month it became common knowledge. I'd never been more popular in my life and I felt fantastic. There was only one person left to tell before I was completely out. My mum. But I wasn't ready. I worried over what she'd think of me. I knew she was homophobic. I somehow seemed to avoid looking right at her. Our conversations would get shorter. She'd obviously noticed this. She knew something was upsetting me. She wanted to find out. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to tell her. But somehow, being really clever, she managed to get it out of me. I blurted out the two syllable sentence. 'I'm gay'. And the hug I was greeted with afterward was tremendous. The tears just flowed from my eyes. It was over. She told me that whatever I do she'll be happy for me, well, 'Unless you murder someone'. She advised me not to tell anyone until I knew I was sure. I just hope I do know for sure. I probably should have told her sooner. Five months! That was all it took. Five amazingly short months. In that time, I told the very first person I was gay, I came out to my best friend, I came out to the whole school, I came out to my mum and I came out to my dad. In five months. It all seemed very quick and painless and it was. Now I just have the future to look forward to. But I was lucky because only two people were negative about it. And I don’t give a damn. Because everyone else accepted me. And those people who I could completely rely on I hold up very high in my heart. I am out to everyone now. I don’t care who knows. It is the 19th of October, exactly 5 months since I first came out to someone. And I’m glad I did.

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